Feeling Unloved In Your Marriage? An Islamic Guide To Rekindling Mawaddah And Rahmah

Nearly 60% of married people say they’ve felt emotionally disconnected from their spouse at some point. Muslim couples aren’t immune to this. 

If you’re lying awake wondering where love went, know this: You’re not alone. And you are not without hope. 

Allah ﷻ built marriage on two powerful foundations: Mawaddah (deep, active love) and Rahmah (tender mercy). These aren’t just poetic words from Surah Ar-Rum they’re a framework for how love in marriage is meant to look and feel. 

This guide will help you understand why couples drift apart and how to rebuild love in a way that’s spiritually grounded and emotionally healthy. 

Understanding Mawaddah and Rahmah: The Quranic Foundation of Marital Love 

Before we talk about rekindling love, we need to understand what Islamic love in marriage actually looks like. And for that, we turn to one of the most beautiful verses about marriage in the entire Quran: 

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love (Mawaddah) and mercy (Rahmah) between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”
— Surah Ar-Rum (30:21) 

Let’s break this down, because these aren’t just nice words. They’re describing something profound. 

What is Mawaddah? 

Mawaddah comes from the Arabic root “wud” which means intense, visible love. Islamic scholars describe it as the kind of love that shows itself through actions the desire to be close, to please your spouse, to make them smile. It’s the love that makes you think about your partner when they’re not around. 

Think of Mawaddah as the warmth, the passion, and the excitement in marriage. 

What is Rahmah? 

Rahmah is usually translated as mercy, but it’s more than that. It’s: 

• Gentleness when you’re tired or annoyed 
• Covering your spouse’s flaws instead of exposing them 
• Compassion when they’re at their weakest 
• Kindness when emotional excitement is low 

Scholars often explain it like this:
Mawaddah is strong in the early, romantic years. Rahmah is what carries a marriage through decades through illness, aging, stress, and ordinary days. 

Why This Matters When You Feel Unloved 

When you’re feeling unloved, often what’s happened is that both Mawaddah and Rahmah have weakened. Maybe passion faded over time. Maybe mercy got replaced with criticism and resentment. 

But here’s the hope: Allah put these qualities between your hearts. They’re not something you have to manufacture from nothing. They’re already there, perhaps buried under layers of hurt, miscommunication, and daily stress. Your job and this guide’s purpose is to help you uncover them again. 

Signs Your Marriage Needs Spiritual and Emotional Attention 

Sometimes you feel something is wrong but can’t name it. Other times, you’ve lived in dysfunction so long that it feels “normal.” 

Here are some signs your marriage needs attention:

1- Conversations Are Purely Practical

You talk about: 

• Bills 
• Kids 
• Groceries 
• Errands 

But not about: 

• Feelings 
• Dreams 
• Fears 
• Hopes 

If your marriage sounds more like a logistics meeting than a friendship, that’s a problem.

2- Physical Affection Has Faded

Not just intimacy — the small things: 

• Holding hands 
• Random hugs 
• Sitting close 
• A gentle touch in passing 

When those disappear, emotional distance usually grows.

3- You Feel Like Roommates

You share a space, maybe even a bed, but not really a life.

4- Resentment Has Piled Up

Old hurts were never cleared. Small issues turned into big walls. Now every disagreement carries the weight of the past.

5- You’ve Stopped Making Dua for Your Marriage

When our heart disconnects from something, our dua often disappears first.
If you rarely ask Allah to bless or heal your marriage, part of you may have given up.

6- You Seek Emotional Fulfillment Elsewhere

Not necessarily in haram but you might: 

• Confide in friends instead of your spouse 
• Pour everything into your kids or work 
• Escape into your phone, shows, or social media 

If several of these feel familiar, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step toward change. 

Why Do Muslim Couples Drift Apart? 

Understanding the “why” helps us address the root cause instead of just treating symptoms. Here are some common reasons Muslim couples experience emotional distance: 

Life Gets Overwhelming 

Joba, kids, in-laws, finances by the time you’ve given energy to everything else, there’s nothing left for each other. The marriage gets put on “autopilot”, and the autopilot eventually crashes. 

Unspoken Expectations 

Many Muslims enter marriage with expectations shaped by culture, family, or even social media. When reality doesn’t match those expectations and we don’t communicate about it, disappointment turns into resentment. 

Cultural Confusion About Roles 

Sometimes there’s tension between what Islam actually teaches about spousal roles and what our cultures have imposed. This can create conflict where one spouse feels overburdened and the other feels unappreciated. 

Neglecting the Spiritual Foundation 

When salah becomes rushed, when Quran is abandoned, when dua together stops the marriage loses its spiritual anchor. A marriage disconnected from Allah will eventually feel disconnected in other ways too. 

Avoiding Conflict Instead of Resolving It 

In some Muslim households, keeping the peace is valued so highly that real issues are never addressed. But buried conflict doesn’t disappear. It festers. 

Lack of Knowledge About Islamic Marital Rights 

Sometimes spouses genuinely don’t know what they’re entitled to or what they owe their partner according to Islam. This ignorance leads to unintentional neglect. 

The Prophetic Example: How Rasulullah ﷺ Showed Love to His Wives 

If you want to know what a loving Muslim marriage looks like, look no further than the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. His example is our guide, and his treatment of his wives provides practical lessons we can apply today. 

He Was Verbally Affectionate 

The Prophet ﷺ wasn’t shy about expressing love. He publicly declared his love for Khadijah (RA) even years after her passing. He spoke about Aisha (RA) with obvious affection. 

When asked who he loved most, he simply said, “Aisha.” No hesitation. 

Lesson: When was the last time you told your spouse you love them? When did you last compliment them sincerely? 

He Helped with Household Work 

Aisha (RA) was asked what the Prophet ﷺ did at home. Her response? He would be at the service of his family, helping with chores, mending his own clothes, milking the goats. 

He was the leader of an entire ummah, yet he didn’t consider himself above helping at home. 

Lesson: Acts of service speak louder than words. Helping your spouse without being asked is a profound expression of love. 

He Was Playful and Tender 

There are authentic narrations of the Prophet ﷺ racing with Aisha (RA) and sometimes letting her win. He had nicknames for his wives. He joked with them. 

Lesson: Marriage doesn’t have to be serious all the time. When did you last laugh together? When did you last play? 

He Listened and Valued Their Opinions 

The Prophet ﷺ consulted his wives. He took Umm Salamah’s (RA) advice during the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah — advice that proved wise. 

Lesson: Do you truly listen to your spouse, or are you just waiting for your turn to talk? 

He Was Physically Affectionate 

He would lean on Aisha (RA) while she was menstruating, drink from the same spot on the cup she drank from, and show affection openly within the bounds of modesty. 

Lesson: Small physical gestures a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, a forehead kiss matter more than we realize. 

Practical Steps to Rekindle Mawaddah and Rahmah in Your Marriage 

Knowing the theory is one thing. Change happens when you start acting differently — even in small ways. 

Step 1: Start With Yourself 

Before pointing fingers at your spouse, ask yourself: “Am I being the spouse Allah wants me to be?” 

Make sincere tawbah for your shortcomings in the marriage. Ask Allah to soften your heart and your spouse’s heart. Sometimes, the change starts with us. 

This isn’t about blame. It’s about taking ownership of what you can control. 

Step 2: Reintroduce Meaningful Communication 

Set aside time to talk — and not about logistics. Ask questions like: 

• “What’s something you’ve been worried about lately?” 
• “What’s one thing I could do to make you feel more loved?” 
• “What’s a dream you’ve put on hold that you’d like to revisit?” 

Listen without interrupting. Listen without getting defensive. Just listen. 

Step 3: Bring Back Small Acts of Love 

Love isn’t just grand gestures. It’s built in the small moments: 

• Bringing them tea without being asked 
• Sending a kind text in the middle of the day 
• Complimenting something specific about them 
• Remembering something they mentioned and following up on it 

The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Tirmidhi) 

Be the best. Start small. 

Step 4: Pray Together 

There’s something deeply bonding about standing before Allah together. If you’re not already praying together at home, start with one salah a day. Make it a habit. 

Also, make dua for your spouse. Not just in front of them, but in your private prayers. Ask Allah to bless them, guide them, and fill their heart with love for you. 

Step 5: Learn Each Other’s Love Languages 

Not everyone feels love the same way. The famous five love languages words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch apply to Muslim marriages too. 

Maybe you’ve been showing love through acts of service, but your spouse feels loved through quality time. Learn what fills their cup and fill it. 

Step 6: Address Issues Instead of Avoiding Them 

Burying problems doesn’t make them disappear. If there’s something bothering you, bring it up but do it with wisdom and gentleness. 

Choose the right time (not when they just got home from work or are stressed). Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations. Seek resolution, not victory. 

Step 7: Create New Memories Together 

Sometimes couples are stuck in a rut because life has become monotonous. Break the routine. 

Go for a walk together. Try a new restaurant. Take a weekend trip if possible. Even something as simple as watching the sunset together can create connection. 

Step 8: Seek Knowledge Together 

Attend an Islamic marriage seminar or webinar. Read a book about marriage in Islam together. Listen to lectures on spousal rights and love. 

When you’re both learning and growing, you grow together instead of apart.
 

The Power of Dua: Prayers to Strengthen Your Marriage 

Never underestimate the power of sincere supplication. Here are some duas to incorporate into your daily life: 

General Dua for Your Spouse 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا 

“Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:74) 

Dua for Love and Mercy 

Ask Allah directly: “Ya Allah, fill our hearts with mawaddah and rahmah for one another. Make our home a place of tranquility and peace.” 

Make Dua for Your Spouse in Their Absence 

The Prophet ﷺ told us that when you make dua for your brother or sister in their absence, an angel says, “And the same for you.” 

Imagine the barakah when you’re both praying for each other. 

Perform Salatul Hajah (Prayer of Need) 

When you’re struggling in your marriage, pray two rakats and pour your heart out to Allah. Ask Him for guidance, for healing, for love to return. 

When to Seek Help: Islamic Counseling and Intervention 

Sometimes, you’ve tried on your own and it’s not enough. Seeking help is not a failure — it’s a responsibility. 

Signs You Need Professional or Community Support 

• Communication has completely broken down 
• There’s emotional, verbal, or physical abuse (which is absolutely haram) 
• One or both spouses have checked out entirely 
• There are issues like addiction or infidelity involved 
• You’ve tried everything and nothing is working 

Options to Consider 

1. Islamic Marriage Counselors 

Look for counselors who integrate Islamic principles with professional therapy. Many are available online now, making access easier. 

2. A Trusted Imam or Scholar 

Someone knowledgeable who can provide guidance based on Quran and Sunnah. Make sure they’re qualified and trustworthy. 

3. Family Mediation 

In Islam, involving family members to help reconcile is actually prescribed in the Quran: 

وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهَا ۚ إِنْ يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا

“If you fear a breach between them, appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If they both want reconciliation, Allah will bring them together.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:35) 

Choose mediators who are wise, fair, and genuinely want your marriage to succeed. 

A Note on Abuse 

If you are in an abusive marriage, please understand that Islam does not require you to stay and suffer. Your safety comes first. Seek help from professionals, reach out to domestic violence resources, and consult with a knowledgeable scholar about your options. 

Feeling unloved is painful. Being abused is unacceptable. 

Conclusion 

Feeling unloved in your marriage can be one of the loneliest experiences — but it is not the end of your story. 

The fact that you’re reading this, looking for help, is itself a sign of hope. It means: 

• You still care 
• You still want change 
• You’re still turning to Allah for answers 

Mawaddah and rahmah are not abstract concepts. They are gifts Allah designed for your marriage too. With: 

• Effort 
• Patience 
• Sincere dua 
• Mutual willingness to grow 

Hearts can soften again. Love can return. Trust can be rebuilt. 

Start with one step one Dua, one kind word, one act of service.
And trust that Al-Muqallib Al-Qulūb (The Turner of Hearts) can turn your hearts back toward each other. 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) 

1. Is it normal to feel unloved even if my spouse isn’t doing anything obviously wrong? 

Yes. Emotional disconnection often comes from neglect, routine, or lack of communication — not just big betrayals. The situation is usually fixable with intentional effort.

2- What if only one of us is willing to work on the marriage?

Start with yourself: your character, your Dua, your kindness. Positive change in one spouse often influences the other. If things remain stuck, involve a wise third party.

 3- How long does it take to rebuild love?

It varies. Some couples feel a shift in weeks; others need months. Consistency matters more than speed. Small efforts add up.

4- Can cultural differences cause me to feel unloved?

Yes. Different cultures show love differently. Honest conversations about expectations and returning to Islamic principles instead of cultural pressure can help bridge that gap.

5- Is it sinful to feel unhappy in my marriage?

No. Feelings are not sins. What matters is how you respond seeking halal solutions, making Dua, and not resorting to haram coping mechanisms.

6- What if my spouse still refuses to change despite efforts and help?

At that point, you may need to explore difficult options, including separation or divorce as a last resort. Islam allows this when necessary. Consult a qualified scholar and, if possible, a counselor before making major decisions.

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