‘i Was Coerced Into Living On My Abuser’s Drive – The Judge Didn’t Believe Me’

To outside observers, Alice* had the perfect life.

She lived in a house on her husband’s family farm, had stables and horses, and worked in a school.

But behind closed doors, that upper-middle class dream had long since turned into a nightmare.

Because her now ex-husband had spent almost two decades subjecting her to a campaign of psychological and financial abuse. 

When Alice went to seek justice, the Family Court system offered her no respite – only more ‘trauma’.

Alice is not alone. A new report by Right to Equality shows that the majority of Family Court cases see ‘at least one’ instance of victim-blaming language or attitudes by the judge.

‘My husband made me feel unloved, demeaned and like I had no value whatsoever,’ Alice told Metro. 

‘I was constantly belittled,’ Alice said. ‘I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion about anything, and if I did he would storm off.

‘I was constantly on edge, because there was nothing genuine, nothing nice, nothing complimentary. It was just an ongoing coldness.

‘You start being silent, because you don’t want a reaction.’

Alice has children with her ex-husband, now in their late teens and early twenties. 

Her ex-husband’s family were also involved in Alice’s mistreatment. She said: ‘It was like they wanted my daughter to be theirs when she was born. They would come and take her from me without asking.’ 

While Alice tried to protect her children from seeing the abuse, in later years they started to experience it too. 

‘My son says if he’s done something well, his dad either says nothing at all or bellittles it and wants to put him back in his little place,’ she explained.

But the mistreatment wasn’t just emotional. Alice was also experiencing an insidious form of control, known as economic abuse.

‘I didn’t have my own bank account, all of the money I earned would go to him.

‘I had a joint account with him that had limited money in it, for the family shopping and things, but I would have to go back to him with receipts so he could check what I bought.’

Alice said he often justified his control over their finances due to the farming culture they were both part of. 

‘I’d allowed him to do that, and it was seen as quite normal. But I had no independence.’ 

When Alice’s husband later said he wanted time apart, saying he ‘hadn’t loved’ her for 10 years, he ordered that she move out of the family home into a small cottage on the farm’s grounds, and insisted that the children would remain with him.

‘They were only 200 metres away, but it was like I was discarded as a mother. 

‘I would rarely see them, and I wasn’t allowed in the house.

‘I’d given everything, every bit of me – I worked long hours, I renovated our home, I did the gardening, I brought up the children. Still it wasn’t good enough.’

Later, he gave her a consent agreement, which he ‘demanded’ that she sign.

A consent agreement is a contract which parties sign to agree to a settlement without going through a full trial. Once it is voluntarily signed by both parties and submitted to a court, it becomes a legally binding consent order.

‘He kept saying, “Trust me, I’ll look after you, don’t worry about anything.” So, what happened was I ended up signing the consent order that he had compiled, and I didn’t even read it.

‘I was fog-brained from the trauma of the abuse and not thinking clearly.’

‘I just wanted an end to everything. I wanted to disappear. I was borderline suicidal, but my children helped my find a way to keep going.’

Then, Alice began seeing a therapist, who she spoke through her experience. The therapist diagnosed her with complex PTSD.

‘When she started to explain what narcissistic abuse looks like, I began to get some clarity. I realised that what she was describing was exactly what I had been experiencing for years.’

While on her journey of understanding what she had been through, Alice knew she needed to face the consent agreement she had signed.

‘I started to look into it, and what I’d agreed to was to stay in the cottage for the rest of my life, but if I moved out it wouldn’t belong to me.’

The consent agreement outlined that Alice would receive a sum of money if she moved out, but this would not be enough to buy a property or be self-sufficient long term.

‘I suppose he was just keeping me where he wanted to keep me, while he was on dating websites and seeing new women.

Alice decided to appeal the consent agreement at court.

‘When my barrister first saw my consent order, he said he’d never seen anything like it. He couldn’t believe that it had been agreed to by the judge.’

Not only had Alice been coerced into signing the document, but her ex-husband had refused to produce details on his finances, or when he had, many figures had been wrong.

‘The judge said we couldn’t discuss coercive control and emotional abuse, so we tried to get it nullified by proving that my ex-husband’s non-disclosure invalidated the document.’

The court process was ‘traumatising’ for Alice.

‘I was interrogated by the opposition legal team for two days, and I had to go out twice because I was shaking, I couldn’t speak.

‘I was told that I had a roof over my head, and I should be grateful.’

Unfortunately, Alice’s experience of being discredited in court is all too common.

The report by Right to Equality shows that of 91 published family law judgements in England and Wales, 66 were found to show bias against the victim, through discrediting, behavioural blame and trivialisation.

‘I have no happy experience of court. I never once felt believed about anything. I felt like the court was set up to protect him, his business, and the farm.

‘It felt like a man’s world in there.

‘When we came out of that hearing and I lost again, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was done,’ Alice admitted.

‘Too many people assume all abuse is physical. 

‘But I had been manipulated and belittled for so many years, and I was no longer a person I recognised. This is why the courts can’t seem to handle it, because they don’t understand, which in my opinion only serves to enable abusers to get away with it.’

In the end, Alice and her ex-husband reached an agreement out of court, securing her enough to buy her own place.

Alice is still living on her ex-husband’s drive, but has managed to buy a property which she will move into soon. ‘The settlement has bought me a cottage with three bedrooms so I can have a room each for my children to stay with me,’ she said.

However, using her pension to fund her legal representation, she is now left in a very uncertain position.

‘I’m in my late fifties and I am starting again. It’s really, very scary.

‘I have no security. I have anxiety every morning when I wake up. I’m literally hand to mouth, worrying about how to pay the next bill.

‘But, it’s been five years of not having a single breakfast with both of my children. It goes against all your instincts as a mother, when things like that are taken from you.

‘I’m looking ahead to when the normal things can happen again.’

*Name has been changed