My Wife Deprives Me Of Sex When She Thinks I’m Not Doing Enough

I love my wife very much, but often feel I can’t get anything right. Her 50th birthday is coming up in August and I’m at my wits’ end on how to make it special for her, as things can really blow up on her birthdays.

Hopefully sex will be on the cards, unless I’m being “punished” and this is used to hit home that I failed with my lack of thoughtlessness.

I know she wants to see that I put her first, over our children, our business and the pressures of life with ageing parents and balancing the books (the finances are mainly my department). How can I get this right and how can I ease the pressure and fear that I’m carrying?

What a lot of pressure surrounding this big birthday. And what fear you’re carrying of getting it wrong. I sense that you’re carrying the responsibility for your wife’s half century on your shoulders alone and want to reassure you: it is not on you alone to ruin, nor to create, a perfect day.

It sounds like, as for many women, thoughtfulness is incredibly important to your wife – and demonstrating this might mean more than gifts themselves. So when you choose her gifts, take the time to add tags or little notes telling her why you’ve chosen each particular present: does it remind you of shared times together? Has she been dropping hints? Listening out when she mentions something, or paying attention to little things that would genuinely improve her life, will show how much you keep her in mind. But remember, too, that your presence, behaviour and conversation may feel more important than presents themselves.

I’d recommend understanding her primary love languages. What makes her feel really loved? Is it gifts or acts of service, spending quality time together, physical touch or words of affirmation? One client of mine showed his love through acts of service – he was constantly renovating and improving the home and environment, and couldn’t understand why his partner wasn’t more appreciative and feeling loved. Eventually, he learnt she felt love through touch – and by prioritising practical gifts, he had made himself less available for touch and physical connection.

Your wife wants to feel like she’s a priority. Often this can stem from a sense that she constantly prioritises other people. Your lives sound filled with responsibilities: this mid-life time, especially if you are sandwiched between caring for children and your own parents, can feel hugely pressured. Is there anything you can do more broadly that means both of you are carrying pressures equally?

This desire to be spoilt and special can also stem from childhood and abandonment issues that lead to them wishing to feel like they are number one. This isn’t an issue for you to fix and if it’s the case, meeting her and supporting her will give her the safety so she can explore where this is coming from.

On your wife’s birthday – and more broadly in your relationship – if you show up with love and confidence, then she is likely to feel your supportive, safe presence. If you show up unsure, waiting for her to judge, criticise or suggest improvements, then it’s an invitation for her to do exactly that.

I also want to explore your feelings of being “punished” when it comes to sex. Is this her intention or is it coming from you? Do you both feel rejection when you don’t have sex? I’d recommend you focus on connection and in these next months take time to talk to each other about sex, intimacy and your feelings.

You’ve plenty of time to start planning your wife’s birthday now. The fact you’ve already turned to me for advice suggests how much you are thinking of this date. Family and friends might have ideas. You can also plan for what could do if she does find her birthday underwhelming, and how you will repair together. Hopefully, this will lighten pressure so it becomes a day of celebration.

I’d also urge you to chat together about how you wish to live beyond this landmark birthday: what do you want more of in your lives, and how can you both handle the pressures of mid-life together? A half century can be a watershed moment and your wife and you might enjoy the celebrations more if you start communicating openly about your feelings now, the pressures you feel in your relationship and more broadly, and how you want to spend the second half of your lives together.