'my Live-in Bf Is Buying A House With His Sister And Expecting Me To Go Along For The Ride.' Updated

"My [30F] live-in boyfriend [31M] is buying a house with his sister [27F] and expecting me to go along for the ride."

This is an absolute mess and I am seeking advice on how to proceed.

Friends for 10 years, a couple for 9 months, we have a great relationship with solid communication skills! We are both in agreement that we would live to get married and have a family later in life.

I bought a home five years ago - I (30F) have a regular 30 year loan at an amazing rate (CA, 2.65%) with 20% that I put down upon purchase. I have also spent around 50-60k on upgrades over the years. I would say that I am very financially healthy.

I have been successfully renting two rooms out in my house - I gave notice to one of my roommates so that my boyfriend (31) could move in here and have a home office - he pays me rent monthly of an amount that we agreed upon.

He moved in 2 weeks ago after living at his parent's house ever since college graduation - we have been planning to move in together for a while and took plenty of time for us to continue our relationship and to give my roommate fair notice. I live 13 minutes away from his parents house and we are both in a suburban area in Southern CA.

During this whole process (last few months) we were looking at houses in another part of the area, that is "nicer (also the same area his parents live)" and there was nothing that really lined up.

Quickly this turned into him and his sister looking for homes - because now the down payment was coming from his parents to his sister (they say "inheritance given early") and is now them teaming up to buy a nicer house together instead of something less expensive for each of them.

The idea was going to be 50% down payment from the sister (via parents) and 50% loan taken out by my boyfriend, with a total budget of 1.1.

So a home pops up in the parent's neighborhood, like around the corner, and they go into a frenzy over this house. The house is listed for 1.3 and they offer 1.46 all cash, and they get it. The parents offered the cash with the contingency set on my boyfriend paying back all money over the 1.1.. They are currently on day 8 of a 12 day escrow...

The home inspection returned a lot of issues such as new copper plumbing, bad roof, bad electrical, cracked drive way, and the entire interior is original thus needs remodeling. They said they will remodel the entire inside before they move in. Well now the idea has changed to oh it's a good area let's move in and suck it up and remodel later when things calm down.

Well I am over here feeling like a huge outsider, so I sit my boyfriend down and I say I want to be with you but what is the plan here, I am a long term thinker and now I am in a position to have to live with you and your sister or not live with you at all, and I want to marry you but not your sister.... He says well my plan is once we are ready to have a family we will find another place.

In the meantime he made a spreadsheet and I will be paying sizeable rent ($1100) to them plus 1/3 of utilities - for the house as is OR remodeled. At the same time I will have to rent my home out, manage the property, and deal with tax implications of rental income.

I would now have to rent my house out and then pay towards a home that isn't even in my boyfriend's ownership. Not to mention that I would yes have this home to me always since I purchased on my own, but eventually I would want to use this as leverage to leap frog to a nicer property, or just keep it as a rental forever.

I don't understand how this will work. If they both don't have the capital to buy on their own, how would they dissolve this home and one of them move out. It doesn't add up to me. Not to mention literally one of the worst times to buy a home with interest rates soaring, I would be nervous of even securing a loan to pay back the parents. None of them HAVE to buy a home, she lives at home and he lives with me.

The parents and the sister are completely sold on this place, there is no talking them out of it, and my boyfriend won't stop saying how it is the best neighborhood in the area and it will go up in value blah blah....well I don't even understand how that is relevant when he is going to be owning a home with his sister.

There is nowhere in this equation to add me as a life partner and I do not want to get stuck in this ugly financial situation with his parents and sister.

This has nothing to do with the family or the sister, they are lovely, but when my boyfriend and I both agree that we would like to get married, I don't see how I can ride this one out because my boyfriend doesn't like the area of my home right now.... Cross posted on personal finance.

TL;DR My otherwise wonderful boyfriend is buying a house (in the same neighborhood as their parents) with his sister using some of their parents money and expects me to go live there and rent out my house

This is what people had to say to OP:

plumberchick said:

Parents giving one child enough money for a down payment while the other has to take out loans is sketchy. Golden Child / Scapegoat kinda sketchy.

RJack151 said:

Just tell him that you are not moving and your place is already owned by you.

Tell him that you hope that he and his sister can afford the place on their incomes but that you have no intention on moving in and paying $1100 a month.

bouganvilea25 said:

Hi. It seems they want to live near the parents (they want to or the parents made them believe they want). The decision is not wise, financial and living situation.

In the same time, you have your house. You should never give it up to move in with him and his family (sister). People who want to have a family will make something for the so called family. Will build together with the SO. His priorities seem to be different. What I did not understand is why you would give up your personal and owned space in order to live with his relative (in a broken house). This is not wise.

Plus: don't forget he never had his own space. He probably thrives for it.

A month later, OP shared this update:

I posted about a month ago about the house that my boyfriend and his sister were buying - it was a complete fixer upper and nightmare. They fell out of escrow 1 day before close and ended up getting another turn key house.

At this time my boyfriend was living with me in my house (that I own - I have a standard mortgage and I rent out my extra room to lighten the financial load).

The entire process ended up being very stressful on me - the lack of communication from him and constantly changing terms were frustrating. He moved out the day after they closed escrow and he did not tell me that was his plan - I asked him if he was going to move there right away and he said yes.

This was problem #1 - as I gave 45 day notice to my previous 2nd roommate so that he could move in here. So he now left me with an empty second room, and he didn't pay any rent towards that lost income.

After much deliberation and a deeply personal choice - I opted to sell my home and move in with him. I live in SoCal and my home went into escrow almost immediately and I am set to close in 2 weeks.

This would allow me to relieve some family tensions (financial tie to my dad - as I pay him monthly for the down payment on my home - plus interest) and to give me the chance to be comfortable in case things go south with my boyfriend and I have to move out.

Problem #2 - I quickly noticed that I am not moving in with just my boyfriend, but his family. I am not living there yet but I can see the Ring camera etc and the parents are there every single day...they live around the corner. It's .... a lot.

The parents and sister are very nice but this is starting to feel like a big step backwards because I am going to be giving up that one on one time that I love with my boyfriend. This feels completely different than living with a roommate who has their own life, this is living with a family member in a very enmeshed family.

I have always opted to live with Craigslist people because I figured out that I do NOT like living with friends - it is extremely overwhelming to have your social life follow you home (see socially skilled introvert).

As I get closer and closer to moving there I am panicking more and more. We sat down and had a real discussion about a timeline of leaving that house and boundaries with the sister and parents but I am terrified of being there and being uncomfortable.... I don't even live there yet and I am bothered by the excessive visits from the parents.

I find myself looking at guest houses to rent.... He is DUMPING money into this house and it makes me feel further and further from the goal of leaving and having our own place....

OWNERSHIP: 90% sister, 10% boyfriend. Boyfriend pays the sister monthly on a 4 year term to reach 10% ownership. I asked him why are you putting so much money into a house that you only will own 10% of? He said because he is living there. As a home owner myself I just don't understand this concept at all... I am living there too and I won't be spending all of this money on upgrades.

I told myself I could give it 2 months living there and if I am really not comfortable then I leave - I really would love advice here - or do I stop this train in its tracks now and turn back - rent a place for a while and see how this relationship can grow.

I think part of this anxiety is also coming from not feeling like that is "home," I feel very much like an outsider. Maybe that will ease with time there...

The family is in constant contact - they group chat daily, they go out to dinner as a group often, I mean a lot of interaction... grocery shopping together, etc. I wouldn't say that being close with your family is a red flag - but I would say that not setting boundaries with an overbearing family is a possible red flag...

It's not like it's that easy to go find a place to rent these days though - I have a small dog who needs access to a yard of some sort - so that makes it a little more tough - also signing a lease...

TLDR; Boyfriend [31m] of 9 months [friends for 10 years] bought a house with his sister and I [30f] am panicking about living there with his overbearing family