"she's Still Dating Other People After Five Dates. Advice Needed."

"Still dating other people after 5 dates."

So I (31M) have been seeing a girl (30F) who I met on Bumble for about a month now. We've been on 5 dates and it's been going really well. We have similar values, similar ways of thinking, and feel very comfortable with one another. We've been to each others' places, and she even brought me food when I was sick and seems to genuinely care about me, just as I do about her.

A couple of dates in, she had told me that she was still on the dating apps and had a date planned for that week. I was obviously fine with that as it was only the start, and I really appreciated her honesty with me.

However, yesterday, when I asked her how her day was, she casually dropped that she went on a date. Again, since we haven't had the exclusivity talk, it should be fair game. However, this time, when I saw her message, my heart dropped. I appreciate that she said it, but it still made me feel quite upset.

I'm trying not to let it get to me much, but I'm wondering if I'm overreacting? I haven't brought it up over text and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. However I'm curious how you people see it, and if you would be upset too if something like this happened.

For context, we are in Australia, but come from different cultures.

Any thoughts are welcome:)

Here's what people had to say to OP:

JustAuggie

Would you be surprised if she posted something like “I’ve been dating a couple of people, I really like this one guy, I’ve been on five dates with him, but he still hasn’t asked me to be exclusive?”

In other words, talk to her.

woongo OP:

I appreciate you calling it out like that. It does put things into perspective ????

AffectionateBelt6125

If she lies about dating other guys while dating this guy, that's dishonest and it's cheating.

woongo OP:

I would argue that is isn't cheating. Dishonest and a red flag, yes, but not cheating if you aren't exclusive.

pooooolooop

Don’t you think it’s lame you have to have an “exclusivity talk” after 5 full dates with another planned?

woongo OP:

I don't know if it's 'lame'. I just think I have to communicate with her about where I stand, and see how she feels about it. That's all there is to it really.

Piercegirl23

She’s not into you. People aren’t that complicated. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn’t date other people and she certainly wouldn’t tell you about. You should move on.

Glass-Satisfaction19

Horrible advice. He should have a damn conversation like a normal person.

woongo OP:

I do agree with that completely. I should, and I will. It's been very interesting reading all the comments though, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

EuropaWeGo

Have the talk about being exclusive and if she says no or isn't fully on board. Then just politely walk away and move on.

I had to do something similar in the past and it ended up working out in my favor. I dislike giving ultimatums, but I did and she decided to become exclusive.

woongo OP:

I agree completely. I'll do that tomorrow. If she says yes, great. If she says no or even 'not yet', I'll have to move on.

_jamesbaxter

You don’t have to make it negative, though. You can phrase it not as an ultimatum, but just in a “hey I really like you, I feel excited about the idea of being exclusive, is that something you also want?” kind of way.

woongo OP:

Oh of course! I'm not intending to make it sound like an ultimatum for her. It's more of an ultimatum for myself, if that makes sense.

loolilool

What did her profile say? You haven’t had a talk about exclusivity but has she given any indication at any time that’s what she is looking for? Maybe she just wants to date a bunch of different folks.

woongo OP:

We talked about what we're looking for on our first date. I asked her about it and she said she's looking to date people and hopefully get into a relationship eventually if things go well.

LazyPortfolio

there you go. She’s doing what she told you. Go date around a bit too. If you wanna make it exclusive, make it be known. If not, then don’t try to control her actions

No reason to be exclusive to you right now tbh and vice-versa

woongo OP:

Yep, I agree. At this point I do want to date exclusively and I'll let her know next time I see her

LazyPortfolio

Great, just be open to 3 possibilities:

1. She’s okay with it
2. She says no
3. She says not yet, she needs more time

You have zero control of the outcome; just how you approach the situation and your behavior after she gives you her response.

No matter how she responds, be a class act and keep doing you brother. Most attractive thing in a man is focusing on your own shit and making your life better no matter what

woongo OP:

Definitely. I'm quite confident with what I want by now. So if she says she's okay with it, great. If it's the other 2 options, then I have to walk away from it.

DumCumpster_69

She’s using you for free food. Some people save hundreds a month by scheduling multiple dates a week. ????

woongo OP:

That's an incredibly shallow assumption of you to make. I paid for the first two dates, but she made it clear pretty early on that she'd rather go halves when we go out for food, and we've been doing it ever since.

If that's what happened to you, I'm sorry

Fabulous_Field3746

I was dating a bit like this girl (or, I would be dating multiple up until a third date). But when I met my (now boyfriend) he personally made it clear from the beginning, that he only dated one at a time, and that he preferred it going both ways. He said he felt it gave more space for the relation to unfold.

I agreed, didn't date anyone else, and now it's over two years since our first date. His directness was something I found very attractive, actually.

woongo OP:

Wow, this is very reassuring because that is exactly what I plan to do. I know it may not necessarily turn out like it did for you, and it's fine if it doesn't, but this gives me motivation and I appreciate it :)

Later OP added this edit:

EDIT: I appreciate everyone's responses and I agree with the thoughts that I need to have the exclusivity talk soon. We have a date planned this weekend, so I will bring it up then. Thank you!

2 days later OP posted this update:

Because quite a few people asked for an update to my previous post, here's an update for those who are still invested.

I talked to her about this on our date yesterday and explained that I have not been seeing other people and that I would like to pursue an exclusive relationship with her. I said that I'd been thinking about it for a while and that her message about the date she had was what motivated me to have this talk asap.

She was quite touched by what I said, and told me that the reason why she'd gone on that date a few days ago was because it was a stand-up comedy gig that she'd agreed to a month ago and had already got tickets for.

We then spent an hour discussing us, what we mean for each other, and other personal matters - I won't get into detail to preserve our privacy. Anyway, we have agreed to be exclusive from this point on :-) I am very happy with the outcome, and can see that having the talk was the only right thing to do.

As a side note, the volume and diversity of responses to my original post was very interesting and pretty wild to read. People were saying all kinds of things. 5 dates is way too early. 5 dates is way too late. Exclusivity should always be assumed. Exclusivity should never be assumed. She's simply being weird. She's only being honest. Etc etc...

My takeaway from that is that everyone's situation is vastly different, and there is no one 'correct' way to date. Also, dating advice from strangers online always needs to be taken with a grain of salt, as one post can't possibly translate the full context of any relationship, and only the OP will know best.

Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:

Yolosweg133769

wow, a relationship/dating problem solved by communication between the two parties and not by people online.

there is no way

phantastik_robit

Counterpoint- posting online let OP see different views and opinions, thereby allowing him to clarify his own thoughts, which in turn helped him communicate better.

Or something. Its early I need more coffee

woongo OP:

Better than asking AI, anyway ????

ultraboomkin

I don’t mean to be rude but I think you’re being pretty naive. I don’t think she’s into you.

woongo OP:

This is exactly the kind of comments that I was referring to in my last 2 paragraphs. Were you there with me and her yesterday when we had our conversation? Unless you have a bug planted in her bedroom, it's probably best not to make unfounded assumptions

ultraboomkin

If she was into you, she wouldn’t still be looking for better options after date 5. That’s more than enough time to know whether you have feelings for someone or not.

woongo OP:

Again, I'll refer you to what I said in my post and leave it at that.

Kurbalija

No self respect at all here. You "assumed" exclusivity because this was how you litterly felt it in your heart. Somebody who doesnt reflect this feeling, is just simply not in the same wavelength with you. Idk if its strength or weakness to accept this date with another guy to a "comedy show".

She would have declined it, if she realy wanted to pursue you. Its really sad to see men throwing their "romantic worth" that easily away.

CassianCasius

Is this a normal thing to date multiple people at once ? When my wife and I met we both stopped using dating apps pretty much right away.

Jeroclo

Why would you date with other people if you like someone?

SiouxsieSioux615

Yes dating advice is just general and 90 percent of the time these posts wouldn’t need to be made if people would just simply communicate with their person Lol

Daphoenyx22

I remember your previous post, so glad you were able to talk and express your feelings about it, and that she was able to do the same! In the end, talking openly provides always the right answers ???? (even if it's a negative outcome, it's an answer in itself)