Always Feel Uncertain In Relationships? This Is How To Fix It

According to Verywell Mind: “Attachment styles in relationships describe how people seek closeness, respond to rejection, and interact in romantic relationships in adulthood. 

“The four primary attachment styles are secure (comfortable with intimacy), ambivalent (desire closeness but fear abandonment), avoidant (value independence and shy away from intimacy), and disorganised (want closeness but fear it).”

The psychological theory has been making waves over the past five years and according to Google Trends, there has been a 400% increase in searches for “attachment style” compared to the preceding five. 

Speaking on the University of Chicago’s Big Brains podcast, Amir Levine, who is an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center says that attachment styles are not our deep bonds with our loved ones but instead, how we feel internally.

He explains: “It really is a safety mechanism. That’s how we feel safe in the world through other people.

“The latest research shows that when people are secure, it also affects our health. We’re healthier. It affects longevity. We live longer, and have better immune systems. So the benefits of being secure goes way beyond our romantic relationships or even just our relationships in general.”

So, how do we change and become more secure in our attachment styles?

Writing for Therapist Aid, psychotherapist Christopher Guider, MA, LMHC says: “Shaped largely by early childhood experiences, insecure attachment can persist throughout the lifespan, affecting the quality and outcome of adult relationships. Thankfully, those with insecure attachment can learn to trust and commit to their relationships by adopting new beliefs and behaviours.”

He recommends the following steps to repair your attachment style and feel more secure in relationships:

• Learn about your attachment style
• Examine your beliefs about relationships
• Act opposite to your anxious or avoidant style
• Increase your emotional awareness
• Communicate openly and listen empathetically
• Seek out others with healthy relationships
• Minimise stressors

Guider adds: “These actions work with thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, giving you an integrated approach to breaking old patterns and becoming more securely attached.”

We’ve got this.

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