An Impassioned Defense Of The Coffee Date.

If you, like myself, have ever stumbled across a dating advice video on TikTok, you may have noticed there is a suprising amount of slander against getting coffee as a first date. In the age of dating apps, many women claim that a coffee date is a “low-effort” first date indicative of a “low-value man” and should result in an immediate unmatching. It is a prevalent idea that a first date should be a test for the man: to see how much “effort”, primarily in the form of money, he is willing put in. I strongly disagree with this sentiment. If the purpose of dating is to get to know someone and determine whether they are a person you would like to pursue a relationship with, in my opinion, the coffee date is one of the best first dates for several reasons.

Reason 1: Familiarity & Comfort

Firstly, on the criticism of a “low-effort” effort first date; yes it is “low-effort”, but that’s not a bad thing! Many of these self-proclaimed “dating-advice guru”s claim that a first date should be fancy: a dinner, or an activity, simple first dates like getting coffee, going for a walk, or a picnic are labeled lazy. While these “low-effort dates” may be a bit too casual if you have known the person for a while, in the modern dating-app era, on a first date, you are likely meeting the person you have been texting for the first time. In this instance, the goal of a first date should be getting to know the person, seeing whether there is a connection or any chemistry. This is best done through a more casual date. Everyone reading this right now, I assume, has been in a cafe at some point in their life– it’s not an exciting thing. Being in a familiar environment takes away any extra excitement or stress, allowing the person you are with to be the main focus for you, not the surrounding environment. If you are doing a “higher effort” date, such as a fancy dinner, or an activity, it is easy to be distracted by the quality of the food or your ability to perform the activity correctly, rather than the person you are there with.

When I say that a coffee date allows you to get to know the other person better, this is not just an opinion, there is scientific backing to this. The “Shaky Bridge Test”, conducted by Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron in 1974 found that when a person is feeling adrenaline it can be interpreted as attraction. This means that if you were to do an activity that creates adrenaline, think ice skating or an amusant part, as a first date, it might create inital attraction that would not have been there naturally. This is something to consider for the long term success of a relationship with a person you are dating. With a coffee date, attraction is far more likely to be caused by who the person is, than activity-induced adrenaline.

Reason 2: Money

Next, I would like to tackle the claim that many of these Tiktok dating gurus make, that a man who suggests a coffee date is a “low-value” man, and that by asking you out on a causal date he is displaying a lack of interest, a lack of monetary means, or both. To clarify for those unfamiliar with the dating advice world (congratulations), a prevalent theme throughout most of this content is that women should expect a man to pay for all of their dates. This is an important factor in the negativity towards coffee dates, as to many of these women money is the strongest determining factor in whether a man would make a good partner. This is a bad attitude to approach dating with for two reasons.

The first, the amount a man is willing to spend on a first date with you does not indicate the character, or “quality” of the man. As I clarified previously, the first date is the first time both people will meet in person, this means that at this point you don’t know if there will be any chemistry, or connection outside of texting. On a second or third date, if there is chemistry, then a fancier date absolutely makes sense, but chemistry is not guaranteed. It is unrealistic to expect someone to go all out for a person who, is still technically, a stranger from the internet. Dating gurus online will tell their viewers money spent is tied to a man’s interest or his viability as a good partner, however, there are many ways to show interest and engagement in dating, why should dollars spent be the main consideration? For those people to subscribe to this new dating ideology of “high and low value men”, I’d urge you to think of what actually makes someone valuable. It is easy to spend money, but being a good partner and a good person is harder, and that is what should determine a man’s value. There are way more important things to consider when dating, mainly the character of the person, how they treat you and how they make you feel. Turning down any suggested “cheap” first dates, like getting coffee, is not going to secure you a better partner.

Secondly, expensive first dates are not monetarily sustainable. Especially for my fellow students, it’s unrealistic to be spending extra money going on a fancy first date, even more so if the bill is not split. Additionally, if having a man pay for the first date is very important to you, a coffee date will actually make this easier. This goes for the women who prefer to split as well, coffee is not expensive and will not be a financial setback to either party. You also have the added benefit of getting the paying out of the way early on, and having one less thing to think about on the date.

Reason 3: Safety and Expectations

Unfortunately, with the modern way of dating, we have unearthed new problems: catfishing, hookup culture, or conversations that are better in text than in person. No one wants to be stuck at a play or activity with someone who doesn’t look like their photos. A coffee date allows for an easy, guilt-free getaway if there is no chemistry or an awkward atmosphere. Coffee dates are also entirely in public and during the day. This is safer than meeting at night, and for those for whom this is a concern, will drastically reduce any expectations to go back to the man’s place after the date. It is sad that this is a concern, however, with dating apps you are literally meeting a stranger from the internet so taking steps to be as careful as possible can never hurt!

note for editor: do you think i should add a tiktok with the ideas im critiquing? I dont want it to seem like im rebutting a specific person

<p>The post An Impassioned Defense of the Coffee Date. first appeared on Her Campus.</p>