Dear Michelle: A College Love Advice Column

Love is complex. Unlike everything else in our natural world — the existence of which we can map out through scientific rules — no one has yet figured out the formula for love. Everyone grapples with it differently. One person can feel they don’t love enough, and another can feel they love too much. One person can love someone else for a lifetime, and another can love for a single day. The following letters were collected from a form through which readers submitted their own dilemmas with love — under an anonymous name — in search of greater clarity and perhaps even answers. We hope they will bring some more peace into your life as well.

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Dear Michelle,

This guy and I talked one summer two years ago and it didn’t work out, and then we did the same exact thing last summer. He asked me out for lunch recently, do you believe in a (right-person-wrong-time) situation? He thinks that’s what it was but I’m wondering if it hasn’t worked out so far, it’s never going to.

– Jacqueline

Dear Jacqueline,

I have to admit, I’ve never been a big proponent of the idea of soulmates. Nor has the invisible string theory ever been particularly appealing to me. In theory, it’s comforting to believe there is one person out there for you, and I’ve found myself wondering at times about the person I will one day marry. Maybe he’s several thousand miles and multiple time zones away, hiking rain-kissed mountains as the sun begins to dip below the horizon. Maybe he’s a few hundred feet away, buried beneath countless books in the same library stacks I sit in now. Yet, is my future husband necessarily “the one”? Even as a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, I’m not so sure.

I’ve known love to be a complicated thing. I’ve watched my parents fall in and out of love, finally settling for somewhere in between. I’ve dated men who have proclaimed to love me, some who I have believed and some who I have not. I’ve heard stories of people tragically losing their partners early, only to unexpectedly discover love a second time with someone new. All of these experiences struggle to align with my idea of a soulmate. Rather than there being one person carved into the stars for you from the minute you were born, I believe you possess the potential to find love with many people. Stretching ahead of you right now are countless versions of yourself, each one with a different idea of a soulmate. Millions of inconsequential decisions and sheer coincidences lead you down one of these infinite paths, and at the end of one of these paths, you find someone you may want to spend the rest of your life with. Is it fate, or is it a combination of statistical chaos and a deliberate choice to love someone forever? I find the second option more beautiful.

If I am wrong, and soulmates do exist, then it is possible he could be yours. It could very well be a right-person-wrong-time situation, as you suggested. Love is a fickle creature and does not always make an appearance at once. If you decide against trying again for the third time, it is possible that you would miss out on a love spanning decades. Worse, you could spend the rest of your life wondering what would’ve happened if you agreed to that fateful lunch.

Rather than worry about whether he is the right person, however, I would ask yourself how much work you’re willing to invest into this relationship. Why has it always been the wrong time? Was it truly the timing at fault, or are you two fundamentally different individuals? If you keep trying only because of the slight possibility he might be the one, then perhaps it is time to pause and consider whether you can truly picture a future together. It might be time to walk away. On the other hand, if you stay because some part of him calls to you, then go to that lunch. Choose to walk down this path out of the multitudes, and know that whichever road you do take, you can choose to make it the right one.

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Dear Michelle,

My boyfriend lives over 3,000 miles away so we only get to see each other around 4 times a year. I love him so so so much and he’s amazing and perfect in every way, but it does get lonely and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it.

– Toast on Beans

Dear Toast on Beans,

First of all, I love your name. Second of all, it sounds like, unlike the first letter writer, you have discovered your proverbial soulmate. Somehow, you have spanned the distance and navigated the countless minutiae of life, and you found him. It is not a gift to be taken lightly.

I won’t pretend that long-distance is not difficult. There are some more well-suited to long-distance relationships than others, and, as it stands, I fall into the latter category. The longer the miles spool between our feet, the weaker my bonds with others become — regardless of whether the nature of our relationship is romantic. The summer before my freshman year of college, I broke up with my high school boyfriend. Countless factors went into that decision, but one of them was my deep hesitance to do long-distance. I wanted to rediscover myself, but I thought I couldn’t do so fully if I remained tied to my high school. There might’ve been a version of me that could’ve stayed, but that version was not who I was at the time, and I (perhaps selfishly) let him go.

I’ve realized now, however, that the two are not mutually exclusive. It’s entirely possible to hold on tightly to your love and discover who you are at the same time. In fact, that is what I recommend you do.

It’s time to find joy in more than the few days with your boyfriend you snatch from the jaws of time every year. Find beauty in the mundane, and fall in love — not with him, since that is a task already done, but with the world. Take the long way home with your friends and revel in the way the drifting snow settles into your hair. Take yourself on solo dates and discover new parts of your identity in the relative anonymity of candlelight. Fall in love with the life you have here, and sleep soundly at night knowing you have someone thinking of you from afar. And when you do feel lonely, perhaps it is reassuring to remind yourself that loneliness is simply a reflection of the love the two of you share.

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Dear Michelle,

I can’t seem to get myself to want a partner. I have never been attracted to anyone in the sense that I would like to date them or anything. I would like to be married someday but at this rate I’m cooked. Should I just be patient, or is there a way to change this?

– Moss Ball

Dear Moss Ball,

Where do I even begin? I saved you for last because of how deeply your note resonated with me. I’ve had my fair share of past partners, but there has always been something missing. None of them have ignited feelings within me such as the ones Toast on Beans hold for their boyfriend, even 3,000 miles apart from one another. As sad as it sounds, I’ve never loved someone in the way I see others love their partners: wholly, without reservation.

I used to search for the answer to this problem within myself. I researched attachment styles, poring over dozens of articles in search of the solution I was sure existed. I sat through psychology lecture after psychology lecture, failing to ever question why I so badly wanted to find this mysterious love in the first place; finding that love was never going to miraculously solve all of my problems. I refuse to believe there is something I can find in a romantic partner that I cannot already find in myself. A loving partner can help you grow in so many ways, but that growth has to stem from within.

Because the truth is, I do love. I form connections deeply — and quickly. I love my family more than I can express with words, and I love my friends with a fierceness that rivals that of any romantic relationship. I love myself most of all, and I’m proud of the emotional growth I have worked to obtain over these past few years. When I find the right person for who I am at this moment, I know I will be able to love him as well. This might be the case for you, but it also might not, and I want you to know that’s okay. Chances are, you just haven’t found someone right for you. Yet, even if the years slip by, and you still feel the same way, the most important thing is that you find peace in being with yourself. Fall in love with the person you see every day in the mirror, and that is all you will ever need.

Love,

Michelle

Statement Columnist Michelle Liao can be reached at mrliao@umich.edu.

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