Do You Know Your Attachment Style? Experts Explain The 4 Types And How To Become More Secure

Do you tend to experience jealousy, have difficulty trusting people, or resist emotional intimacy out of fear? While genetics can play a role in qualities like these presenting themselves, they may also be explained by attachment theory: the idea that our earliest relationships influence how we’ll connect with people later in life. 

“As children, we build our understanding of relationships based on our caregivers,” Jennifer Rolnick, a licensed clinical psychologist and co-owner of Watch Hill Therapy, told Nice News. “If a caregiver is consistently supportive, a child learns that relationships are safe. If a caregiver is inconsistent, distant, or intimidating, a child learns defense mechanisms in order to survive.” 

These early, deeply ingrained patterns shape how we read people, manage conflict, and regulate emotions, resulting in specific “attachment styles” that we hold onto into adulthood, Rolnick explained. Those of us with a secure attachment style usually find it easier to nurture and sustain close connections, while those with insecure attachment styles (avoidant, anxious, or disorganized) often have trouble in adult relationships. But the good news is that it’s entirely possible to change your patterns. 

We spoke to Rolnick and three other experts to help us understand the four attachment styles, including how they develop and what you can do to form more secure relationship habits with friends, family, and romantic partners moving forward.

Understanding the 4 Attachment Styles 

Avoidant

We might develop an avoidant attachment style if our primary caregiver was emotionally distant or dismissive, per Utah State University. This attachment style can also occur if we were regularly and unreasonably depended on or criticized as a child, Hider Shaaban, a licensed clinical psychologist and founding executive director of Philadelphia Center for Psychotherapy, told Nice News. “So [they] may develop a core belief of ‘If I let people get close to me, they will drain me, judge me, and maybe even hurt me along the way, so it’s safer that I keep my distance.’”

Adults with avoidant attachment styles prioritize independence and self-reliance over close connection, added Terri DiMatteo, a licensed professional counselor at Open Door Therapy. “Deep emotional intimacy or vulnerability feels uncomfortable to them,” she said. “When a romantic or non-romantic person gets too close, they are likely to pull away and create distance. Avoidantly attached adults have great difficulty expressing their own emotions, and in the back of their mind is the refrain ‘I don’t need anyone. I am good on my own.’”

According to the Cleveland Clinic, other potential signs of avoidant attachment include:

• A strong sense of independence
• Difficulty trusting people
• Avoiding physical or emotional intimacy
• Feeling uncomfortable when people try to get close
• Being dismissive of others
• Commitment issues

Anxious

If you had an inconsistent or emotionally unpredictable caregiver, you might have developed an anxious attachment style, explained Emily Bly, a licensed clinical psychologist and CEO of Psychology Partners Group. When parents “are particularly inconsistent in their emotional responses — vacillating between warm and connected at some moments and cold, nonresponsive, and detached in other moments — [it] can result in the child internalizing a sense that they are ‘not good enough’ or to blame in some way.”

Bly added that people with anxious attachment styles tend to fear abandonment and worry that a loved one could withdraw their affection at any time and without warning. They frequently seek reassurance and have trouble believing that people really care for them, and are often on high alert for potential signs of dismissal or rejection. For instance, they might interpret a partner’s subtle shift in tone or a friend’s delayed text response as a signal that something is wrong in the relationship.  

According to the Cleveland Clinic, signs of anxious attachment include:

• Feeling unworthy of love
• Difficulty spending time alone
• High sensitivity to criticism
• Jealous tendencies
• Low self-esteem
• Trouble trusting people
• Fear of abandonment or rejection

Disorganized

A disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful avoidant) can occur if a primary caregiver is dangerous or violent. If a parent consistently frightens a child, the child has nowhere to turn in times of distress, Bly explained. As a result, they may develop a “freeze” response to emotional turmoil, feeling that they can’t escape or rely upon their parent.

In adulthood, they may shut down and “quasi-dissociate” when stressed, making it difficult for someone else to reach them emotionally, she continued. Relationships can therefore be confusing, as it may feel like the fearful avoidant-attached person has one foot on the gas and another on the brakes. 

“A person with disorganized attachment craves security and attachment like anyone else, but the fear embedded in this longing will sometimes put the person in a state of ‘system overload,’” Bly said, “where they might be more likely to disappear or ‘ghost’ the attachment figure who tries to get too close to them.”

According to the Cleveland Clinic, signs of disorganized attachment include:

• Difficulty trusting others
• Trouble with emotional regulation
• Fear of rejection
• Confusing, contradictory behaviors
• Other traits of anxious and avoidant attachments

Secure

When caregivers provide consistent predictability, abundant love, clear expectations, and straightforward communication, children are often more likely to develop secure attachments. “Basically, they will start to develop the belief system that ‘relationships are generally safe,’ which will help them establish connections with others without the worry of being rejected,” Shaaban said. When they do experience rejection, he added, they’re less likely to take it personally and can bounce back more quickly.  

People with secure attachment typically view themselves and others positively, communicate honestly and openly, and find it easier to build and maintain lasting, healthy bonds, according to Utah State University. DiMatteo agreed: “Securely attached relationships are safe, relaxed, reliable, and supportive, allowing each person to be their authentic self, knowing they are accepted and valued as they are.”

According to the Cleveland Clinic, signs of secure attachment include:

• Finding it easy to trust others
• Effective communication
• Emotional regulation
• Feeling comfortable spending time alone
• Finding it easy to connect with others
• Healthy conflict resolution
• Being emotionally available to other people

How to Become More Secure

If you’re prone to forming avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachments, you can develop an “earned secure” attachment style through healthy adult relationships, positive life experiences, and working with a therapist, per the Cleveland Clinic. Seeing a mental health professional experienced in attachment theory and relationships is especially important if you have a history of trauma, Shaaban noted.

You can also try the following to develop healthier, more secure relationship patterns.

Understand Your Story: Think about your early childhood and how you developed an insecure attachment style, Bly said. Recognize that your caregiver’s faults, such as inconsistency or emotional distance, reflect their own struggles and have nothing to do with you. With that knowledge, you can begin to rewrite your internal narrative and develop a healthier view of yourself and other people.

Seek Out Stable, Secure Relationships: “Be purposeful about seeking out and establishing connections with people who are emotionally mature, consistent, and grounded,” DiMatteo advised. Observing and interacting with securely attached people — including friends, a romantic partner, or a therapist — can help you understand what healthy relationship patterns look like, aiding you in eventually adopting similar behaviors.

Identify Your Triggers: Note the situations that activate your emotional defense mechanisms. “Track your thoughts, bodily sensations, and immediate coping mechanisms when triggered,” Rolnick said. “Writing down your patterns helps you understand yourself rather than running on autopilot.”

Practice Honest, Open Communication: Secure attachment involves clear, direct, and authentic interactions with others, and Rolnick suggests working on this by sharing a vulnerable feeling or need with someone you trust once a week. “Vulnerability means something different for every person, and it’s important to gently push your window of tolerance. You might say ‘I felt anxious when I didn’t hear back from you for a few days,’ or ‘I’m having a hard day and feeling anxious — can we talk?’ Each time you face your fear directly, you build your ability to handle similar challenges in the future.”

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