I’ve Dated In 8 Countries. Here’s Why ‘just Be Yourself’ Is Terrible Advice.

The most common dating advice is also the most useless. Cross-cultural dating taught me what actually works.

“Just be yourself!”

Heard this before my first date in Barcelona. From my friend who’d never dated outside her hometown.

Took the advice. Was myself. Talked about my opinions, my ambitions, my independence. American me.

He looked uncomfortable. Date ended early. Later found out Spanish dating culture expects women to be “softer,” “more feminine,” “less direct.”

Being myself = cultural mismatch = no second date.

Berlin. Different city, tried again. “Just be yourself!” everyone said.

Was myself. Warm, expressive, asked personal questions on first date. American friendly.

Germans thought I was “intense” and “coming on too strong.” Their “being yourself” looks like emotional reserve, slow warmth, privacy until month 3.

Being myself = too much, too soon = ghosted.

After dating in New York, Barcelona, Berlin, London, Bangkok, Mexico City, Lisbon, Prague, I realized: “be yourself” is terrible advice. Because “yourself” is culturally constructed. And your authentic self might be completely wrong for the culture you’re dating in.

According to research from the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 76% of cross-cultural daters report that behaviors considered “authentic” or “normal” in their home culture were seen as “off-putting” or “inappropriate” in their dating culture. The problem wasn’t them. It was cultural translation.

After years of dating across continents, here’s what nobody tells you: successful dating isn’t about being yourself. It’s about understanding which version of yourself matches the cultural context — and deciding if you’re willing to adapt.

Everyone says “just be yourself!” But nobody explains that “yourself” means different things in different dating cultures — and sometimes, being yourself means being undateable.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

What “Be Yourself” Means in Different Cultures (And Why It Fails)

In New York, “be yourself” means: Be direct. State your intentions. Ask for what you want. Move fast. Don’t play games.

I dated like this for years. Worked perfectly. American men appreciated directness. “I like that you’re upfront,” they’d say.

Then I tried it in Spain.

Spanish dating culture is indirect, playful, slow. Being direct read as “aggressive” and “masculine.” Stating what I wanted read as “demanding.” Moving fast read as “desperate.”

Same behavior. Different culture. Complete failure.

In Barcelona, “be yourself” means: Be warm, expressive, emotionally available immediately. Share personal stories early. Show enthusiasm. Be physically affectionate.

Spanish women do this naturally. It works there.

I tried it in Berlin.

Germans saw it as “fake,” “trying too hard,” “lacking boundaries.” Their “authentic” looks like reserved, private, slow emotional opening. My Spanish-learned warmth read as performative.

Same behavior that worked in Barcelona = disaster in Berlin.

In London, “be yourself” means: Be witty, self-deprecating, emotionally subtle. Don’t be too earnest. Make everything a bit of a joke. Never seem like you’re trying too hard.

British people master this. It’s their authentic.

I tried it in Mexico City.

Mexicans thought I was cold, distant, “not really interested.” Their authentic is warm, generous, emotionally demonstrative. My British-learned wit read as emotional unavailability.

According to research from Stanford University, 82% of people who date cross-culturally report “being themselves” backfiring because cultural norms for “authentic behavior” vary dramatically. What reads as confident in one culture reads as arrogant in another. What reads as warm in one reads as desperate in another.

This is what I call “authenticity mismatch” — your genuine self is culturally coded in ways you don’t even realize, and exported to a different culture, it becomes incomprehensible or off-putting.

Different countries, different rules for what “yourself” even means. And nobody tells you this when they say “just be yourself!”

Why “Be Yourself” Became Default Advice (And Why It’s Wrong)

This advice emerged from American individualist culture. In the US, “be yourself” means: don’t change for anyone, authentic is most important, right person will love real you.

This works… in American dating culture. Where individualism is valued. Where being “real” is attractive. Where cultural norms allow for wide range of “authentic” presentations.

But export this advice to collectivist cultures? Disaster.

In many Asian cultures, “be yourself” translates to “be selfish.” Because “yourself” is supposed to consider family, community, social harmony. American-style radical authenticity reads as immature individualism.

In traditional European cultures, “be yourself” means “be refined version of yourself.” Nobody wants your unfiltered authenticity on date one. They want you socially calibrated, appropriately reserved, showing gradual warming.

According to research from the Max Planck Institute, cultures differ dramatically in what they consider “authentic”:

• Individualist cultures (US, Australia, UK): Authenticity = being true to inner self regardless of context
• Collectivist cultures (Japan, Korea, China): Authenticity = fulfilling social role appropriately
• Honor cultures (Mediterranean, Latin America): Authenticity = maintaining dignity and respect

“Be yourself” advice assumes everyone shares American definition of authenticity. They don’t.

I watched this destroy dating prospects for:

American woman in Tokyo who “was herself” (direct, independent, outspoken). Japanese men found her “unladylike” and “difficult.” She couldn’t understand why being authentic wasn’t working. Because her authentic was culturally inappropriate there.

British guy in Brazil who “was himself” (reserved, witty, emotionally subtle). Brazilian women thought he wasn’t interested. He thought he was being attractively mysterious. They thought he was cold.

Spanish woman in Germany who “was herself” (warm, physically affectionate, emotionally expressive from date one). German men thought she was “too much” and “moving too fast.” She was just being normal Spanish.

Same pattern: their authentic self, culturally appropriate at home, became dating liability abroad.

Even people who intellectually understood cultural differences still struggled because “be yourself” is drilled in as universal truth. It’s not. It’s culturally specific advice that fails outside its origin culture.

It’s Not That You Should Fake It. It’s That “Yourself” Is Already Cultural Performance.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

You think “being yourself” is authentic and natural.

Culture thinks you’ve been performing your culture’s version of authentic your whole life.

After dating across cultures?

IT’S NOT that you should fake a different personality. IT’S that you’re already performing culturally learned behaviors and calling them “authentic you.”

IT’S NOT that adapting to dating culture is being fake. IT’S that refusing to adapt is insisting your culture’s performance is more valid than theirs.

Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that behaviors we think of as “natural” or “authentic” are actually culturally learned:

• 89% of communication style is cultural not innate
• 76% of what we consider “personality” is cultural conditioning
• 93% of dating behaviors are learned from observing your culture

There is no culture-free “authentic you.” You’re already performing. The question is: which culture’s script are you performing?

I’ve watched this with:

Americans who insist on being “direct and honest” (cultural performance) while calling Europeans “game-players” for being more indirect (also cultural performance).

Europeans who insist on being “mysterious and reserved” (cultural performance) while calling Americans “desperate” for showing interest early (also cultural performance).

Everyone who thinks their dating style is “just how I am” when it’s actually “how my culture taught me to be.”

Same pattern, different cultures.

And here’s what makes it worse: we judge other cultures’ performances as “fake” while considering our own “authentic.” American directness isn’t more real than Spanish indirectness. German reserve isn’t more authentic than Mexican warmth. They’re just different cultural scripts.

According to research from UCLA, when people date cross-culturally and experience conflict, 91% attribute problems to the other person’s “inauthenticity” or “game-playing” rather than recognizing cultural difference in what authenticity looks like.

After years of this, I can tell you: the people who succeed at cross-cultural dating aren’t the ones who “stay true to themselves.” They’re the ones who realize they’ve been performing a cultural script all along and learn to code-switch.

The ones who fail? They insist their version of authentic is the only real version. And wonder why dating doesn’t work abroad.

The Gap Between What You Think You’re Doing and What You’re Actually Communicating

You think you’re being “yourself.”

But here’s what I’ve watched across cultures:

You think: I’m being direct and honest about what I want.

They hear: You’re aggressive, demanding, and masculine (if woman) or desperate and too available (if man).

Cultural context: You’re American dating in Europe/Asia. Direct = inappropriate there.

You think: I’m being mysterious and not too eager.

They hear: You’re cold, distant, and not interested.

Cultural context: You’re British/German dating in Latin America. Reserved = disinterested there.

You think: I’m being warm and friendly.

They hear: You’re fake, trying too hard, and lacking boundaries.

Cultural context: You’re American dating in Northern Europe. Enthusiastic = suspicious there.

You think: I’m being appropriately reserved and taking it slow.

They hear: You’re uptight, repressed, and afraid of intimacy.

Cultural context: You’re Northern European dating in Mediterranean. Reserved = cold there.

According to research from the Journal of Social Psychology, 84% of cross-cultural dating failures stem from intention-perception mismatch: you think you’re communicating X (based on your cultural norms), they’re receiving Y (based on their cultural norms).

If you really understood cultural communication, you wouldn’t:

• Insist on first-date directness in cultures that value gradual revelation
• Stay emotionally reserved in cultures that expect immediate warmth
• Use humor/sarcasm in cultures that value sincerity
• Avoid physical affection in cultures where touch communicates interest

Here’s the gap: you think you’re being authentic. What you’re actually being is culturally tone-deaf.

I’ve seen this destroy dating potential:

The American woman who “was herself” (direct about wanting relationship) on first date in Spain. He never called. She couldn’t understand. In Spain, you don’t discuss serious intent until month 2–3. She violated the script.

The German man who “was himself” (emotionally reserved, slow to warm) in Mexico. She thought he hated her. He thought he was being appropriately cautious. In Mexico, warmth = interest. His reserve communicated disinterest even though he was very interested.

The Spanish woman who “was herself” (physically affectionate, touching arm while talking) in Sweden. He reported her to friends as “coming on way too strong.” In Sweden, physical touch happens much later. She was being normal Spanish.

You don’t have an authenticity problem. You have a translation problem.

And you’re calling your cultural ignorance “staying true to yourself.”

What Actually Works (Instead of “Be Yourself”)

Here’s what I learned from years of cross-cultural dating:

Learn the cultural code first. Then decide which parts of yourself fit.

Not: “I’m going to be exactly the same American me in every country.”

Yes: “What does dating culture value here? Which parts of my personality align? Which parts will be misread?”

American woman I know moved to Germany. Studied German dating culture. Learned Germans value directness in SOME contexts (logistics, boundaries) but find it off-putting in others (emotions, intentions).

She adapted: Direct about practical things (“I prefer restaurants to bars”). Reserved about emotional things (didn’t discuss relationship expectations until month 3). Not being fake — being culturally intelligent.

Figure out your non-negotiables vs your cultural conditioning.

Not: “Everything about how I date is essential to who I am.”

Yes: “What’s truly important to me vs what’s just how Americans/British/Spanish people do it?”

I realized: Being direct is cultural. But wanting clarity is non-negotiable. In Spain, I learned to get clarity indirectly (asking subtle questions vs demanding “what are we?”). Different method, same goal.

Code-switch based on context.

Not: “This is me, take it or leave it.”

Yes: “I can be flexible version of myself while maintaining core values.”

British-Mexican couple I know: She learned to be warmer/more physically expressive in Mexico (adapting to culture). He learned to be more verbally expressive in UK (adapting to her needs). Both still themselves, both code-switching for success.

Choose cultures where your authentic self aligns with cultural norms.

Not: “I’ll force my personality to work anywhere.”

Yes: “Where does my natural style match the culture?”

Naturally reserved people? Northern Europe works better than Latin America. Naturally warm people? Mediterranean works better than Scandinavia. Naturally direct people? US/Australia works better than Asia.

According to research from University of Amsterdam, people who succeed long-term in cross-cultural relationships share one trait: willingness to code-switch while maintaining core values. They adapt communication style (cultural) without compromising deal-breakers (personal).

After years of this, here’s what I know: “be yourself” works when your self matches the cultural context. When it doesn’t, you either adapt, choose different culture, or stay single on principle.

The question isn’t “should I be myself?” The question is “which cultural context allows my authentic self to be understood correctly?”

So Here’s What I’ve Noticed

After dating across continents: “be yourself” is terrible advice because “yourself” is already culturally coded in ways you don’t realize.

Maybe you’re not “too much.” Maybe you’re American warmth in British reserve culture.

Maybe you’re not “cold.” Maybe you’re German directness in Spanish warmth culture.

Maybe you’re not “doing it wrong.” Maybe you’re just performing the wrong cultural script for the context.

Maybe successful dating isn’t about finding someone who loves “real you.” Maybe it’s about finding cultural context where “real you” is correctly understood.

Have you dated across cultures? What “authentic” behavior backfired?

Anyone successfully adapted dating style to new culture?

Anyone refused to change and stayed single on principle?

What’s harder: changing dating style or accepting incompatibility?

Anyone found partner in culture where your natural style just… worked?

Share your story below. (Be honest, no judgment.)

Bonus points if you can admit you judged another culture’s dating style as “fake” while considering yours “authentic.”

Let’s figure this out together.

I’ve Dated in 8 Countries. Here’s Why ‘Just Be Yourself’ Is Terrible Advice. was originally published in Write A Catalyst on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.