It’s Okay That You Met Your Boyfriend On Hinge

About a month after meeting my now boyfriend on Hinge, I tweeted, “obviously biased now but I have gotten over my distaste for meeting people on dating apps … all human connections are a result of random collisions and algorithms (school, work) that lead to something meaningful and the internet is just an extension of that.”

Like many of my peers, I never saw online dating as an ideal place to meet a partner. Books and movies romanticize either love at first sight or years-long slow burns ending with dramatic confessions for a burning romance — not so much simple algorithmic encounters. Ever the romantic, these kinds of stories made up much of my younger self’s fantasies and daydreams.

On the other hand, dating apps seem to take all the charm out of dating. Fleeting moments of romance in the real world — the brush of a hand, a lingering gaze — are translated into an explicit “like” or “swipe.” People you would once get to know through coincidental (or fateful) encounters now fall flat on your screen into a few pictures and prompts.

Then again, many other aspects of modern dating seem dystopian at times. 

For one, the presence of social media creates a way for people to “measure” how much your partner actually likes you. Boyfriend day, girlfriend day, Valentine’s day or birthdays all serve as opportunities to announce to the world whether or not you’re in love and give an update on who you’re with, because everyone definitely needs to know. Miss a post, and people may start to speculate whether or not you are still together. On paper, it’s easy to see how these things are superficial and “made-up”. But when everyone’s doing it, seeds of worry and insecurity can start to bloom over the fact that your partner doesn’t know about an Instagram holiday. Slowly but surely, these artificial standards can start to affect the reality of a relationship.

Then, there’s the plethora of problematic dating advice on the internet. I primarily blame TikTok and its algorithm, designed to capitalize on what you’re insecure about despite the actual content being from people who have never met you a day in their lives. Dating horror stories circulate like wildfire — the more atrocious the story, the more viral the video. A new red flag is created every second. Something as small as standing on the wrong side of the sidewalk becomes a reason for concern, or an “ick.”

While my criticisms stem from what I see online, I can’t help but see the ideas from my explore page start to creep into my offline reality. I hear phrases like, “If he wanted to he would” being thrown around one too many times, and I hear friends strictly abide by the three-month rule. 

What these rules have in common is that they intend to minimize what seems to be the greatest form of hurt: heartbreak. If you keep your distance and stay vigilant of the warning signs, it should, in theory, be easier to get yourself out of a bad situation and not be blindsided. 

This is a sentiment I can understand, as the fear of being hurt is an incredibly valid and human feeling. However, modern dating culture exacerbates these fears and promotes the idea that following a set of rules can prevent getting hurt in love entirely. While dating experience might in fact help people learn the lessons they need to find and build the relationship they desire, simply following arbitrary standards rather than developing one’s own intuition does not bring anyone closer to this love.

It’s easy to throw dating apps under the bus, as they seem to represent the pinnacle of these fears: the detachment, the disillusionment, the defensiveness. We proclaim to hate them, yet we come back to them, still craving connection despite pretending to be nonchalant. The real issue lies not in the apps, but in the crippling fear of heartbreak that has been amplified to such an extent that it has a significant impact on how love as a whole is perceived. While it is true that technology in the digital age has played a key part in this phenomenon, to blame dating apps solely is an unfair and inaccurate projection. Ultimately, having a cute meet-cute does not get rid of these anxieties, and pretending that it will doesn’t help anyone.

Despite how distorted love seems in this day and age, I still believe it is real and present. More and more people meet their significant other on dating apps, and while there will always be people who see love found on dating apps as inherently superficial, I believe that there can be some romance in it. Life is a sequence of events that are both random and deliberate, both spontaneous and systematic, and love is the vein of meaning we find within that. Just because these systems are digital now does not mean love is lost. Besides, there is a lot more to a relationship than how the initial sparks are lit. The love I believe in knows how to evolve and can find its way through the phone screens. 

I spent this past Valentine’s Day with my partner in New York City, which boasts the highest per-capita dating app usage nationwide. On the subway, men held bouquets of roses, vibrantly contrasting with the dull background of the rest of the subway. The couple next to us was holding hands, excited about each others’ outfits as though they styled each other. The picturesque moment of people-watching lingers in my mind, reminding me that people will always long for and celebrate love, no matter how their methods change over the generations.

MiC Columnist Vivian Park can be reached at pvivian@umich.edu.

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