The Slow Drip Of Poison: Why Passive Aggressive Anger Destroys Relationships

In my almost three decades as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen passive-aggressive anger quietly destroy more relationships than infidelity.

It’s a slow drip of poison. And most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Do you ever say you’re fine when you’re not? Use sarcasm to let someone know you’re pissed off instead of just saying it?

Or are you ever on the receiving end of these behaviors?

If you’ve done it or been on the receiving end of it, welcome to being a human in relationships with other people.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, we are going to discuss passive-aggressive anger. Why we do it, what it looks like, and what we can do instead.

https://youtu.be/yr_l5N7NzgA

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Anger That Hides Behind a Polite Smile

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone saying, “No, I’m fine” or “I’m not mad, I just think it’s interesting that…” then you know what I’m talking about.

Years ago, when Vic was angry about something, he would say, “Interesting.”

And it wasn’t usually at me. But I would get so mad, and I would say, “Stop saying something is interesting when what you want to say is that you’re finding it annoying or frustrating or you’re mad about it!”

So what is passive-aggressive anger, exactly?

It’s indirect or disguised hostility. It’s when we express our anger sideways because either we don’t feel safe being direct, we don’t know our own anger, or we want control without accountability.

When we say something is “just a joke,” but it contains some truth that’s going to bite or cut the other person, we want the satisfaction of letting them know we’re mad.

And then we want the ability to say, I was just kidding.

What It Looks Like

Passive-aggressive anger can show up in a lot of ways:

• Sarcasm that’s designed to sting
• Withholding affection or being cold
• Stonewalling, which means you’re basically not communicating or not answering when someone asks you questions
• Intentional procrastinating, where if you’re asked to do something but you resent being asked, you’ll either take forever to do it or do it badly so they don’t ask you again
• The silent treatment
• Weaponized uncertainty, which is when someone says, “You should know why I’m mad,” instead of telling you directly

What passive aggression is really saying is: I’m upset, but I refuse to take responsibility for feeling upset. So I’m putting it on you.

Why We Do It

No shame, no blame here. We’ve all been there, and this is not about judging; it’s about understanding.

Passive-aggressive expression of anger is a strategy that’s usually learned early in life.

It often comes from being raised in a household where direct anger was punished or speaking up was unsafe. Maybe one parent was explosive, and you became the peacekeeper. Maybe your feelings were minimized or mocked.

So it would make sense that you learned to make a joke of something even though it’s not funny. Or you learned to read a room but don’t know anything about your own emotions.

I definitely did this as a child. I became an expert at reading other people’s emotions while having a very distant relationship with my own.

In my family system, nobody needed to tell me it wasn’t cool to be angry. I just knew it because it was an unspoken rule.

My father was allowed to be angry, but nobody else was.

So instead of saying I’m angry, I learned to say nothing. Or I expressed anger in ways that wouldn’t get me in trouble. It was anger in disguise.

If your father was volatile, unpredictable, or passive himself, you may have learned that anger was dangerous. Or that honesty leads to punishment, or that your needs are too much. For many of us, passive aggression began as a survival strategy in childhood, in a household where big emotions were not welcome.

And as I’ve said a million times, what was adaptive in childhood often becomes maladaptive or toxic in adulthood.

The Damage It Does

This is not harmless. Somebody telling you something and saying “I’m only teasing, I’m only kidding” when they’re saying something designed to hurt you? That is not harmless.

This type of behavior erodes emotional security and emotional safety.

When I was in relationships in my young life, I couldn’t possibly have told anyone I was angry because I was too threatened by my own anger to even feel it.

But I was an emotionally untrustworthy person because someone would say, is anything wrong? And I would say “I’m fine” with an angry tone.

That’s just lying. I didn’t have the skills to ‘talk true’.

If you’re doing this, your partner starts feeling like they can’t trust what you say. Because they can’t.

If “I’m fine” means “I’m furious,” communication becomes a guessing game. It forces this mind-reading thing that’s exhausting and unfair.

And what does it do? It builds resentment. Both people end up resentful. One: because you feel misunderstood; the other: because you feel manipulated.

When we’re in a relationship, hopefully our goal is deep and abiding intimacy. Passive-aggressive expression really does block the intimacy the relationship can have, because intimacy requires authenticity. Passive aggression is emotional avoidance. We get to discharge our feelings, but we do so indirectly, which creates confusion.

It also creates a power imbalance in the relationship because passive-aggressive people often maintain power by withholding clarity. It’s a covert dominance move. If someone is keeping you on your toes and you’re trying to figure out whether they’re mad or not, half the time they’re dominating you with confusion.

And if you had an unpredictable or emotionally immature parent, passive-aggressive dynamics can really reactivate the chaos from your childhood into your adult relationship.

The Cycle

If you’re in a relationship with passive aggression, you might recognize this pattern:

Conflict arises. One partner feels hurt but doesn’t express it clearly. Instead, they withdraw. They slam a cabinet. They get sarcastic. They roll their eyes. They slam a door.

The other partner senses something is wrong and asks about it. They get nothing. “I’m fine.”

Then anxiety builds because now the partner is guessing and chasing, and trying to problem solve. Something’s wrong, but I don’t know what.

The person who’s being passive-aggressive might feel pursued. They might feel overwhelmed, which confirms their belief that direct communication is unsafe.

So the cycle repeats. There’s no repair. There’s no clarity.

When we don’t feel safe expressing anger, the body goes into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze.

That’s when indirect expression becomes our way of discharging all that emotion, because direct communication doesn’t feel safe.

What Healthy Anger Looks Like

Anger is not the problem. How you express it is what we’re talking about.

Healthy anger can sound as simple as:

“I’m hurt by what happened.”

“I felt dismissed.”

“I need clarity.”

“I didn’t like how that felt.”

Super clear and short. It’s boundaried. It’s regulated.

Passive-aggressive anger is manipulative, confusing, murky.

What to Do Instead

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, I do some of this,” don’t panic. You learned this for a reason. And now you get to learn something new.

First, slow down and identify feelings.

What is the actual emotion under the behavior? Whenever I slow down when I’m angry, I realize that, underneath my anger, there’s usually hurt.

Anger is often a secondary emotion covering up something more tender: hurt, scared, disappointed, feeling marginalized, or unimportant.

Get to that core emotion. Instead of jumping to anger, ask yourself what the feeling really was. Were you feeling hurt? Overwhelmed? You may need a minute to gather yourself. And you can say that.

You’re replacing indirect hostility with direct honesty.

Instead of saying “whatever” when someone says something, you can say:

• “I didn’t love how that went. Can we start again?”
• “Can I get a do-over?”
• “I need a minute before I can talk about this.”
• “That landed weird for me. Can we try that again?”

You don’t have to have the perfect words. Any of these is so much more honest than slamming a door and rolling your eyes.

Develop repair rituals in your relationships. It’s okay to say:

• “Hey, I realize I got passive-aggressive. Here’s what I was actually feeling.”
• “I wasn’t being honest before. The truth is, I felt hurt.”

This instantly starts to rebuild trust because you’re owning what’s on your side of the street.

Practice micro truths daily. Small direct truths create massive emotional safety. Even if it’s just:

• “I’m tired.”
• “I could use your support right now.”
• “I didn’t like that joke.”

We have to learn to tolerate the discomfort of being angry. It’s a muscle we have to flex.

For many of us who have been afraid of our anger, it’s a feeling we try to get away from as fast as possible. But when I learned to hang with my own anger, I was able to speak the truth about what I was really feeling. I could see that underneath my passive-aggressive desire to slam a door or say something snide was my little kid. My hurt feelings.

I’ve put together a guide with more scripts and prompts to help you practice this. Grab the From Passive Aggressive to Honest Expression Guide here.

If You’re on the Receiving End

Try to name the pattern without using blaming language. Something like:

“I’m sensing tension, but I’m also getting mixed signals. I want to understand. Can we speak directly about this?”

Don’t engage in the game. If their passive-aggressive tactic of trying to make you guess doesn’t work, it loses its power. Your job is not to guess. Don’t chase. Don’t decode.

You can set a healthy boundary:

“I want to resolve this when we can both communicate honestly. Let’s take a break and come back.”

And when they do express honestly, reinforce it. Say:

“Thank you so much for saying that directly. It helps me feel close to you.”

Because it does.

If you want to learn and practice these skills in community with other women who are on the same path, join us inside the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm.

The Takeaway

If you identified with this, if you were nodding your head, there’s nothing wrong with you. It just means you learned to survive your childhood environment by doing these things.

But now you’re grown up. You get to upgrade your communication. That is your right.

You deserve clarity. Your relationships deserve honesty. And direct communication is absolutely a love language.

And for my ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready for the deepest work, applications are open for my Flourish Mastermind starting in February. This is where we rewire these patterns at the root. Learn more at terricole.com/flourish.

Frequently Asked Questions

Terri Cole, LCSW, answers common questions about passive-aggressive anger:

What is passive-aggressive anger?

Passive-aggressive anger is indirect or disguised hostility. It’s when we express anger sideways rather than directly, often because we don’t feel safe being direct, we’re disconnected from our own anger, or we want control without accountability. Common examples include sarcasm designed to sting, the silent treatment, withholding affection, intentional procrastination, and saying “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not.

Why are some people passive-aggressive?

Passive-aggressive behavior is usually learned early in life. It often develops in households where direct anger was punished, speaking up was unsafe, feelings were minimized or mocked, or one parent was explosive. It’s a survival strategy that made sense in childhood but becomes problematic in adult relationships. It’s a nervous system response, not a character flaw.

How does passive-aggressive behavior damage relationships?

Passive aggression erodes emotional safety and trust. When “I’m fine” actually means “I’m furious,” communication becomes a guessing game. It builds resentment on both sides, blocks intimacy because authenticity isn’t present, and creates a power imbalance where one partner maintains control by withholding clarity. For those who grew up with unpredictable parents, it can also reactivate childhood chaos.

How do I stop being passive-aggressive?

Start by slowing down to identify what you’re actually feeling underneath the anger, which is often hurt, disappointment, or fear. Then practice replacing indirect hostility with direct honesty using simple phrases like “I didn’t love how that went. Can we start again?” or “I need a minute before I can talk about this.” Building tolerance for the discomfort of being angry is a muscle that strengthens with practice.