Why You Chase Emotionally Unavailable People (even When You Know Better)

It’s not desire — it’s unmet childhood needs resurfacing.

• You already know they’re distant.
• You already see the red flags.
• You already feel the anxiety.

And still…

you stay.

You chase.

You hope.

This is not a lack of self respect.

It is a pattern.

And patterns come from somewhere.

It Feels Familiar — Not Healthy

• You dont chase what’s good for you.
• You chase what feels known.
• If love once felt inconsistent,
  distance now feels normal.

Calm feels boring.

Stability feels suspicious.

Your nervous system isn’t seeking love.

It’s seeking familiarity.

Emotionally Unavailable Feels Like a Challenge

• You’re not drawn to them.
• You’re drawn to winning them.

If they choose you,
it feels like proof.

Proof that you’re worthy.

Proof that you’re lovable.

Proof that you’re “enough.”

But love is not a prize.

And you dont need to earn it.

Childhood Needs Don’t Disappear — They Wait

If you had to:

• work for attention
• compete for love
• stay quiet to keep peace

Your adult relationships replay that script.

You chase distance
because you once chased care.

It’s not attraction.

It’s unresolved attachment.

Mixed Signals Hook You Harder

Clear interest feels unfamiliar.

Inconsistency keeps you engaged.

The highs feel euphoric.

The lows feel devastating.

• Your brain confuses anxiety with chemistry.
• Your heart calls it passion.

But peace doesn’t spike cortisol.

Trauma bonds do.

You Think Love Means Tolerating Less

You stay even when:

• needs aren’t met
• communication is one-sided
• effort is minimal

Because somewhere along the way,
you learned love means enduring.

But love is not survival.

It’s safety.

You Hope This Time Will Be Different

This is the quietest reason.

You think:

“Maybe if I love better…”

“Maybe if I’m patient…”

“Maybe this time they’ll stay.”

• You’re not attempting to make them better.
• You’re attempting to fix an old wound.

You can’t get a partner to do that.

Why Walking Away Feels So Hard

Leaving feels like failure.

Like giving up.

Like confirming your worst fear.

But staying costs you more.

Every time you chase someone unavailable,
you abandon yourself a little.

And self-abandonment hurts more
than rejection ever could.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

It’s not forcing yourself to want better.

It’s:

• choosing calm over chaos
• clarity over confusion
• consistency over intensity

It’s learning that peace isn’t boring.

It’s regulated.

Healthy love feels quiet at first.

Because your nervous system isn’t in panic mode.

The Shift Happens When You Realize This

You don’t want unavailable people.

You want:

• reassurance
• presence
• emotional safety

And the moment you stop chasing people
who can’t meet you emotionally,

You create space
for someone who can.

A Truth That Changes Everything

• You don’t chase emotionally unavailable people
  because you’re broken.
• You chase them
  because your past taught you that love is earned.

But love isn’t a performance.

It’s a mutual choice.

And the day you stop calling anxiety “attraction,”
everything starts to soften.

You deserve a love
that doesn’t disappear
the moment you need it.

And you’ll find it
when you stop chasing people
who were never meant to stay.

— — —

Thank you so much for giving me your time.

Follow me for more stories.

Read more from me:

• Why You Keep Falling for the Wrong People Even When You Know Exactly What You’re Doing
• Why You Fall for Familiar People Instead of Healthy Ones, According to Psychology.
• Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Men, and How to Finally Break the Pattern.
• Why Walking Away Is the Most Powerful Form of Self-Respect

Why You Chase Emotionally Unavailable People (Even When You Know Better) was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.