I Don't Know How To Help My Parents And I'm Freaking Out

My father is 81, my mother 77. My father has had a cascading series of health issues for the past five years: heart valve replacement, shoulder surgery, AFIB, declining memory and cognitive functions, and now he shuffles along when he walks and looks (to us) like a big fall risk. He has never exercised regularly or eaten well so none of this is surprising. Now he has just had his second tooth infection that made his whole lip swell up and required antibiotics. They have spent almost $10,000 in the past ten years on his dental work. A few teeth have fallen out. When these infections happened, he didn't notice the pain or swelling until we pointed it out to him. It feels like he is breaking down before our eyes and has little awareness of his body. Cognitively-- for example- one day we waited for a few hours for a plumber that it turns out, he had never called.

My sibling and I managed to get them to sell their house and buy a smaller house closer to us, although the whole time we were advising them to move into a senior home or at the very least a condo, or a nice rental. (Between the two of them they get almost $7,000 a month in SS and pensions). My mother wouldn't hear of this, she doesn't want anything to do with senior care living, and felt like renting was "going backwards." Now she is struggling under the weight of caring for my father and setting up this new house, having to call plumbers, electricians, handy men, etc. She is depressed and losing weight. She complains endlessly about my father's forgetfulness, his medical appointments, how she spends all her time going to appointments with him. Every day I talk to her it's an endless litany of complaints, and she is so depressed and withdrawn that's it's scaring me. I found a day program for elderly adults and said she can drop my dad off, but she seems so overwhelmed that I would have to drive over there and do it for her, I think. I also found a caretakers support group near her, but again, she will only go if I drag her there. I also suggested they go to church-- lots of other older people and activities for them. My mother is physically healthy and normally very active.

They never got along and did not have a happy marriage. I told it to her straight: You had plenty of time to divorce him and you didn't. Now you are stuck. I feel bad for her but she had decades to leave and now this is the result. Caretaking sucks, of course. But she just seems completely perplexed by what's happening.

I think the problem is that neither of them did any caretaking for their parents. Other siblings did it for them. They are just in complete denial. I feel guilty for spearheading this entire move and I wonder if I should have let them be.

I feel like her only option is to move them both into assisted living, then she can let the employees take care of him and she only has to worry about herself. She would never put him in a home alone, she thinks that would be too cruel.