Transcript From The Annual Meeting Of The Global Children’s Shoe-sizing Consortium

CHAIRPERSON: Welcome, delegates. Before we begin, I’d like to congratulate everyone on another successful year of making children’s shoe sizing completely incomprehensible.

(Applause.)

VICE CHAIRPERSON: Thank you. As you know, our mission remains unchanged: no parent should ever know what size shoe their child wears.

DELEGATE FROM EUROPE: Here, here.

CHAIRPERSON: Let’s begin with the annual report. How are we doing?

ANALYST: Extremely well. Parents continue to ask questions such as, “How can my child be a size 1, a size 32, and a size 13 all at the same time?”

(Thunderous applause.)

DELEGATE FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM: I’d like to propose that we continue refusing to clarify whether a “Big Kid 4” is larger or smaller than a “Little Kid 13.”

CHAIRPERSON: Excellent suggestion. Any discussion?

DELEGATE FROM AUSTRALIA: Could we… perhaps make the transition between the two even more abrupt? Currently, some parents have discovered that size 13 is followed by size 1. This level of understanding concerns me.

VICE CHAIRPERSON: Agreed. Ideally, size 13 should be followed by a brief existential crisis.

(Murmurs of approval.)

DELEGATE FROM FRANCE: I move that we continue using completely unrelated numbering systems in every country, which absolutely should not correspond to either metric or imperial foot measurement.

CHAIRPERSON: This aligns with tradition, yes.

DELEGATE FROM FRANCE: A child should be a size 31 in Paris, a size 13 in New York, and a size 12.5 in Minneapolis.

(Standing ovation.)

ANALYST: We also have promising data that shows many parents have now saved screenshots of conversion charts they do not understand.

CHAIRPERSON: Outstanding.

DELEGATE FROM RUSSIA: I propose a new initiative. Suppose different models of shoes from the same brand fit differently?

CHAIRPERSON: Go on.

DELEGATE FROM RUSSIA: Imagine a child whose current shoe is a size 2. Their next pair, from the same company, in the same size, should either fall off immediately, prevent circulation, or… both.

(Audience chants: “Both! Both! Both!”)

CHAIRPERSON: The motion carries.

ANALYST: We also tested a pilot program in which online reviews for the same model included statements such as “Runs true to size,” “Size up two sizes,” “My son is 47 inches tall and wears a medium,” as well as a hostile note from a woman who is suing on the grounds of inclusivity about her son needing a size G.

VICE CHAIRPERSON: Incredible stuff.

DELEGATE FROM CANADA: We should address width measurements.

CHAIRPERSON: Ah yes, our most powerful weapon.

DELEGATE FROM CANADA: Parents are broaching a preliminary understanding of conventional “wide” vs. “standard” widths. Therefore, I suggest we introduce additional categories including: extra wide, slim wide, athletic wide, heritage wide, and wide in spirit.

(Several delegates wipe tears from their eyes.)

CHAIRPERSON: Beautiful.

VICE CHAIRPERSON: Before we adjourn, I’d like to recognize the Lifetime Achievement Award recipient, Tom.

(Audience rises.)

VICE CHAIRPERSON: This year’s honor goes to the individual who first suggested that we tack a letter onto toddler sizes, that children’s sizes should be measured in entirely different numbers, that adult sizes should restart from a separate scale, and that none of these systems should have any intuitive relationship whatsoever. Congratulations, Tom.

ALL: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

TOM: Thank you. Honestly, I never dreamed we’d come this far. When I started, a parent could walk into a store and say, “My child wears a size 11.” Today, they must say, “He’s an 11 in sandals, a 12.5C in sneakers, a 31 in Europe, a 30 in dress shoes, and a 1 if the moon is waxing.” To see that level of confusion become a reality….

(Pauses to compose himself.)

TOM (cont’d): …Well, it means everything. I’d like to thank health insurance EOBs, the IRS, and bra companies everywhere for paving the way for our success.

(Meeting adjourned. Delegates immediately disperse to work on socks.)