How Do Me And My Wife Handle Her Abusive Parents Towards Her Grandfather? Location: Maryland, Us

Location: Maryland, US

This is going to be a long post with most of the details of the past few years. I will leave a TLDR at the bottom for people who don't want to read the entire thing.

Me and my wife have been together for 5 years and this has been an ongoing problem for the entire time. Lets start from the beginning, her grandfather was fairly set up for the rest of his life, with a vacation home he permanently lived at after his wife died in 2016. And a home in the city 3 hours away that my wife's parents lived at. They have never had their own place and always lived under her grandfather's roof. whether it be with him, or separate in a house that he paid for.

When my wife was still in high school in 2018, they sent her down to live with him to be able to take care of him because they didn't want to take care of him. So she had to uproot her life and change schools, lose all of her friends and move down here, to take care of him. Oh yeah, and they sent her disabled sister with Myotonic dystrophy down for my wife to take care of, on top of her grandfather, while in high school, and a part time job. She had no time to herself and was consistently overwhelmed with taking care of 2 people with mobility issues, all while her parents were living in the other house, and her grandfather paid the bills in that house too. And her mother was getting paid to take care of her sister, even though she was 3 hours away and my wife was doing everything for her (she was paid something for being a "caretaker").

Let's skip to late 2019-2020, since her parents were leeching off her grandfather and not paying bills, he couldn't afford to pay for both houses so he had to sell the house in the city. Please keep in mind this number, he made about 350k for the sale of the house, after repairs and work that needed done he took home about 300k. This was after I had met her and we were together so I had helped with the move and whatnot, not knowing all of these details yet. Around this time is also when we found mail from when her mother tried to get a gov check claiming my wife as disabled, we had found the letter and confronted her but she said she didn't know what it was bla bla bla.

So now they have moved down, completely drowning the house with their junk, and "collectables", remember to keep those in mind as well. The excuse for moving in with her grandfather was to "take care of him" but they don't do anything like that and barely do stuff for him. At the time my wife is still living there and truly doing most of the work for him and her parents just sit around, or go out to eat and leave him alone. I had moved in for awhile because my living situation wasn't great, but I paid her grandfather "rent" and helped do anything he needed around the house, yard work, moving stuff and more. Yet her parents paid absolutely nothing and did nothing for him.

Living there was horrible, her parents are horrible, narcissistic, victim mentality, and abusers. They lie and manipulate their way thru life to get what they want without having to do anything. So like anyone would, we moved out, sadly leaving him to be taken care of by them but there was no other option. We've been out for years and we need to jump to recent events. Her grandfather has been in a wheelchair since 2020ish.

In September of 2025, he was in bad shape. He went to the hospital for weeks, then had to go into a physical rehab facility for about a month(its all his insurance would pay for). My wife still had contact with him and would check up often, but going over there is miserable. They have completely ruined the house, little dogs pooping and peeing inside, dirty dog pads laying around. Since they don't really take care of him, the grandfather's room and bathroom is a disgusting mess, pee on the floor, mold on and under the flooring, dirty clothes laying around, and so much more.

To add, neither of them have jobs, her father has been unemployed for about half a year, but before that he only worked part time jobs for his whole life. And her mother is just leeching gov money for taking care of the disabled sister, and maybe doordashing once a week. I completely forgot, we've been in contact with the sister and she said she only gets 40$ a month out of her disability check, meaning her parents steal the other $700-$1000 she gets a month for being full time disabled, not able to work or provide for herself that money is supposed to go to taking care of herself, but her parents steal it.

Now, after he got back from rehab in October, my wife would go over and check on him and see how he was doing and this is how she learned the state of the house, how messy it is, and learned that her parents had invited one of the workers from the restaurant they go to every night, to live there with them. Her grandfather didn't know about this, the guy wasn't paying rent or anything and was just hidden upstairs.

I guess I should describe the layout of the house so it makes sense, its a big house with an upstairs. But her grandfather only has access to his bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. Because they have gates up in the living room entrance so he can be in the kitchen and see into the living room, but cannot cross. The stairs are right by the front door, which is completely hidden from where he has access to, meaning he isn't aware of anything that goes to and from the upstairs. Which I assume is how they snuck this grown man to just secretly live in the house with them in for about the 4-6 months he was staying there. They say the gates are up because of "the dogs", but really its to keep him contained in the small section of the house so they can have the living room, dining room, and upstairs completely to themselves.

Around the time after her grandfather got out of rehab, her father took a bunch of pills, tried to end his life, and went to the hospital, then to a mental/ alcohol rehab for a week or so, then somehow left early. But this is what initiated the serious stuff. When her father left rehab early, her mother was the only one left to take care of them at the house, but she left and stayed in a hotel to be able to pick the father up the next day or whatever. Her mistake is she told us that, she practically abandoned the grandfather with no time frame on when she'd return. So my wife went to check on him, but with that stranger living there she didn't feel safe and called the police for an escort with the wellness check. (I was with our kids and due to the history with her parents I don't interact with them). But the police went in with her, the house was a disgusting mess, and her grandfather was struggling to do stuff and her disabled sister was alone upstairs as well. Her grandfather had stated in front of the police that money was missing from his wallet (they steal directly and indirectly from him). And the state of the house, and leaving 2 vulnerable adults alone is not okay. So the police contacted APS and opened a case. The police dept contacted my wife a few days later asking if they could meet and work on the investigation. The lead investigator let us in on alot of information, that before this, there was already 2 open APS cases on both of them, and an open investigation with the police dept. They have piles of evidence I'm assuming from previous cases (there has been maybe 5 plus open cases but they are always closed because her parents manipulate them into saying nothing is wrong. They have 3 pages of 911 calls and times emergency services has came out, alot of it is due to neglect, they are supposed to help with his catheter but since they don't take care of him at all, he gets infections and has to go to hospital often. The investigator specifically said that the UTI's can be used in proving neglect because its something they are responsible for. Also they stated the reason her father took the pills, is strictly because he is tired of taking care of the grandfather, yet they don't do anything for him and leech off of him. Ironic right?

My wife is now fighting to become the primary caretaker, get rid of our place and move into his house to take much better care of him. Getting rid of her parents any way possible. We have access to the medical records and he is listed as unspecified dementia, which is how they take advantage so easily. Now the good part, remember the money he made a few years back? Well its all gone, they have spent every dime he has on Hot Wheels, Star wars toys, lifesize statues and so much more. They do not have incomes, so how do they pay for their 2022 cars, iphone 15's, groceries, dog grooming, and everything in their life? They don't. He does. And their disabled daughter they steal her disability check. That is their income, whatever they can leech and steal off the family that provides a home. And he is so close to finally realizing that they are not there to help him, but just to be able to live this lavish lifestyle while not having to do anything.

My wife has his truck and takes him to all his doctor appointments, the store whatever he needs, while they sit on their phones, sleep in til 3pm and then go out to eat with his credit cards. They are still spending his money, on junk and toys, with no regards to his health.

They have had a family meeting and all seems good, but they manipulate him to change his mind the second they leave and its just them alone with him. For instance, he was tired of getting yelled at for no reason, confined in my wife to say he's done with them, wanted to get them evicted, then the next day his mind was changed, said they do everything for him and they aren't doing anything wrong.

But her disabled sister is like an inside man, and feeds us information because she is sick of it too, but doesn't have the courage to speak up. She says they yell at him all day, about anything, if he cooks himself the frozen meals they get for him before she cooks dinner, its a yell fest. If he uses the wrong cleaner on the floor, its a yell fest. But its super ironic that he doesn't see them until 3 in the afternoon and then they are out the door not to be seen again until nighttime. So they refuse to help with stuff, but when he does it himself they get mad. Also they have spent probably 50k on all new appliances, floors, remodels in their section of the house, but refuse to do anything with his side, even tho its completely paid for by him. And they threaten to kick the sister out for really no reason every other day.

The cases are still open but not much is going on with them. She took him to an appointment the other day, and he got really honest and sad and that is when he said he is practically out of money. He said the main reason he won't kick him out is because he is afraid of his son and that he might try to end himself. Even tho the previous attempt was a complete attention grab, he is still worried. We are considering getting a lawyer, but it will be expensive and looking for alternative options. They are still spending his money to this day, but his savings are empty so that means they are using his retirement money. He probably is paying 2k plus a month minimum paying for their cars, phones, etc, plus the house bills and everything else. They have to go soon or there will be no coming back from it, and we wouldn't be able to fix it if we did become the caretakers.

This is taking place in Maryland, just for law purposes I'm putting that out there. But please any advice on what to do, or what we can do would help. I'm sorry it is such a long read but its most of the details of what's been going on.

TL:DR My wife's parents are abusive towards her grandfather. They are unemployed, leave him alone all day, and have spent probably 400k of his life savings on collectable toys. He pays their bills but is being manipulated because he is in the early stages of dementia, being listed as "unspecified dementia" on his medical records. They corner him in his room, yell at him for the most minor stuff, and don't take care of him, or the disabled sister, yet being paid to take care of her. Also steal her disability check. Tried to claim my wife as disabled but lied when confronted. There is open cases with police dept. and 2 APS cases for both of the vulnerable adults. They refuse to take him out of the house, they refuse to take care of him but somehow manipulate him into thinking they are the greatest humans on Earth. This is effecting both of us greatly as we want the abuse to stop ASAP. We are located in MD. Thank you for reading and taking time to respond.

Sorry for typos, I'm not the most literate just wanted to look for advice.