Location: Iowa – First Right Of Refusal Question: Child Excluded From Family Event And Sent To Grandparent Despite Rofr

Location: Iowa

TL;DR: Iowa. During his parenting week, my ex excluded only our son from a family event and arranged overnight grandparent care. Our order has ROFR if a parent can’t personally care for a child for over 8 hours (not daycare/school). I exercised ROFR and picked him up. Ex now says he’ll come get him tonight.

Question: Once ROFR is triggered by arranging third-party overnight care, do I have to give him back tonight, or can I keep him until the next scheduled exchange?

I’m in Iowa and looking for guidance on a first right of refusal (ROFR) issue involving my child.

My ex-husband and I share two children (one boy, one girl). He currently lives with his girlfriend, who has two children (both girls).

There is an ongoing pattern where only our son is excluded from family activities due to behavioral issues. When this happens, he is not just excluded from the activity — he is sent to stay with my ex-husband’s father (his grandpa). This does not happen to our daughter when she has behavioral issues, and it does not happen to the girlfriend’s children. Only our son is sent away.

Today, during my ex-husband’s parenting week, he texted me that our son did not meet his behavior goal on a chore/behavior chart. This chart was intended to incentivize positive behavior with a reward (a new toy) and was not presented to our son as a requirement for participating in family activities.

Despite that, my ex-husband and his girlfriend decided that because our son did not meet the chart goal, he would also not be allowed to attend the girlfriend’s birthday party tonight and would instead stay overnight with his grandfather.

This is not the first time this has happened. I expressed concern that repeatedly excluding only one child from family events felt emotionally harmful. I then referenced our parenting plan’s first right of refusal clause.

The clause in our Iowa order states:

“The parties shall both have first right of refusal to care for the minor children if either party during their parenting time cannot be with the minor children for over six (8) hours and are needing alternating child care, with the exception of daycare and school.”

Because my ex-husband had already arranged overnight care with a third party (not daycare or school), I told him I would exercise my right of first refusal and come get our son.

He responded that he would come get our son after the birthday party, but did not provide a time and it was already 5:30 PM. His parenting time ends tomorrow at 5 PM.

However, his earlier messages clearly stated that our son would be staying overnight with the grandfather, and based on past patterns, I believe he would remain there until the end of my ex-husband’s parenting time.

He is now saying he will come get our son tonight instead.

My question:

Under Iowa law and this ROFR clause, once a parent has arranged third-party overnight care for more than six hours during their parenting time, does ROFR apply even if it is still technically their parenting week? Or am I required to return my son tonight simply because he changed his mind?

I’m trying to follow the court order, avoid instability for my child, and prevent repeated exclusion that wasn’t part of any agreed-upon discipline plan. Any insight would be appreciated.