What Singles Need From Married Friends

When we were single in our late 20s, a former roommate and I noticed that spending time with certain couples felt easier and more life-giving than it did with others. But why?

Though I recently got married, during many years of singleness I observed behaviors of people I considered good married friends. This list isn’t exhaustive or representative of all circumstances, but embracing these principles can help married Christians cultivate more caring and vibrant relationships with their single friends.

1. Don’t assume your single friends are unhappy.

I could always sense when someone’s somber demeanor suggested she thought I cried myself to sleep every night, despite the fact that I enjoyed my life.

Not only are such assumptions often inaccurate, but they also contradict Scripture’s teaching that singleness is a good gift from God. While it’s true some singles struggle with contentment, plenty find joy and fulfillment while appreciating the benefits of life without a spouse (1 Cor. 7:7, 32–35).

2. Watch what you say to your single friends.

“He’s out there somewhere!” and similar well-meaning sentiments imply all single people will eventually marry. But Scripture suggests there are many reasons a person might remain single (Matt. 19:12), so it’s not helpful to presume that God’s will for a single person’s life will include marriage.

Additionally, referring to marriage as the ultimate means of sanctification implies singles are somehow missing out on this process. Scripture encourages us that “he who began a good work . . . will bring it to completion” by whatever means necessary (Phil. 1:6). A good married friend reminds a single person that singleness—just as much as marriage—reflects God’s goodness to her.

3. Include single friends in your family.

By being regularly invited into married friends’ homes, I developed meaningful friendships with their husbands and endearing, auntlike relationships with their kids. These were some of the greatest blessings of my life, gifts only married friends could give.

Believers are called to use their gifts to serve one another as “stewards of God’s varied grace” (1 Pet. 4:10). Perhaps one of the most precious ways to use the gifts of marriage and family is to counteract the loneliness of singleness by adopting singles into a family where they’re cherished and invited to spend birthdays, holidays, Sunday lunches, and random Thursday nights.

4. Talk to your single friends about marriage.

Meaningful Christian friendships naturally involve sharing how God is working in one another’s lives. For those who are married, this rightly includes aspects of the marriage relationship.

While it’s true some singles struggle with contentment, plenty find joy and fulfillment.

Yet many people reserve marriage talk for fellow married people, assuming their single friends can’t relate or would rather not discuss it. All this does, however, is withhold a large part of your life from someone who cares about you and has valuable insight to offer. It might also deprive a single friend of wisdom that could strengthen her own marriage one day (Prov. 27:17).

5. Notice your single friends’ practical needs.

For me, the scariest part about contracting COVID-19 in 2020 wasn’t being sick. It was the thought of spending two weeks home alone, unable to go to the grocery store. As the author of Ecclesiastes explains,

Two are better than one. . . . For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (4:9–10)

A good married friend remembers that her single friend doesn’t have a built-in life partner. And unless they have family nearby, many singles must rely on friends to care for their physical and tangible needs.

6. Offer to set up your single friends.

Opportunities to meet fellow Christian singles naturally decrease as people age and transition from settings like college, graduate school, and young-adult ministries. While online dating has become popular, connections made by friends can still be incredibly helpful.

In particular, a married friend’s spouse can play a vital role in the dating life of a single person because the spouse often interacts with entirely different pools of people. If a single friend desires a relationship, keeping an eye out for suitable matches is a great way to care for her (Prov. 3:27).

7. Share your single friends’ joys and sorrows.

Scripture calls believers to lovingly enter into one another’s lives, most notably in Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” A good married friend acknowledges and celebrates her single friend’s joy and success. Singles’ accomplishments can easily go unnoticed without a spouse to share them with, and self-promotion may feel awkward or prideful.

Singles’ accomplishments can easily go unnoticed without a spouse to share them with. The same can be true of grief.

We also need companionship in grief. After I lost a beloved friend to cancer, my husband offered comfort I hadn’t previously experienced in grieving as a single. Having someone to witness our pain is significant. A good married friend realizes she may be the only person to grieve alongside her single friend.

As many of these actions suggest, a good married friend is really just a good friend. As you seek to build strong relationships with single people, keep in mind that you have far more in common with them than not—including the need to be understood, valued, cared for, and loved.