Your Favorite Nhl Team Won’t Win The Stanley Cup – Part One

It’s finally the year your team makes it to the Stanley Cup Final and is etched into hockey history till the end of time. For some, it hasn’t happened in a long time, but this year is different. This year they will actually hoist. Right?

Wrong.

For a few, the taste of champagne lingers on the palate, which should mean ordering another round. Right?

Wrong.

Your team won’t win the Stanley Cup. You know how I know?

1. Boston Bruins

Last year I said the Bruins lacked identity, and boy was that a bullseye. These guys can’t even decide who their next captain is after Bergeron and Marchand left town. Should it be McCavoy or Pastrnak? All I know is neither will be skating out to retrieve any hardware this season, because they don’t have a single elite center and lack center depth in general. And they still employ Casey Mittelstadt, nuff said.

2. Buffalo Sabres

Goalie problems in Buffalo? I know, crazy, right? Buffalo won’t hoist unless they somehow land Connor Hellebuyck, who requested a trade from the Winnipeg Jets. That feels pretty much impossible since they traded so much talent this offseason. Not to mention it’s Buffalo who have only been to the finals twice since 1970. I will say that Hull’s foot was in the crease, though.

3. Carolina Hurricanes

Congrats, Hurricanes, you have won the Stanley Cup, but now you should take the time to apologize for what happens next. You won’t win a cup because this league is quick to make adjustments based on recent success. Even on nights where clear adjustments look obvious, you’ll stick to your guns, and it will cost you. Stubborn Canes.

4. Columbus Blue Jackets

The Blue Jackets won’t win the Stanley Cup because they don’t know what team defense is and have tried to trade their Norris Trophy-winning defender to the Dallas Stars. We keep being told that living in Columbus isn’t the issue and that the Jackets are going to find the spark they showed way back when they swept the Presidents’ Trophy-winning Lightning. That was seven years ago.

5. Detroit Red Wings

Detroit’s own captain doesn’t think the Wings can make the playoffs or win the Stanley Cup, so why should I? Dylan Larkin’s holdout for the perfect fit could land him a move to absolutely nowhere, and we could see a captain get booed in his own barn on a nightly basis. I’m almost certain he will inevitably end up in Vegas.

6. Florida Panthers

Team Tkachuk brothers is finally formed, as players from Team USA have fully weaponized the group chat and appear to be vacating Canadian franchises left and right. Too bad their average age is over 30, and the brothers can’t stage a line brawl every night. It will be entertaining to watch this Panthers team, but they aren’t headed to the promised land because this isn’t the WWE.

7. Montreal Canadiens

The Canadiens started the curse by trading Stanley Cup Champion & Conn Smythe winner Patrick Roy to the Colorado Avalanche. Imagine Mario Tremblay and overexpecting Canadian fans (yeah, Bronx cheering your HOF goalie, ain’t it) have led to the longest Canadian-Cupless Drought ever, and the clock keeps ticking. The Habs won’t win the Cup because Lane Hutson is good, but not what Habs fans think he is. There are levels.

Editor’s Note: Yeah, I know Edmonton traded Gretzky around the same time, but that was stupid, too.

8. New Jersey Devils

Do I even have to write this one? Your best player can’t even last the dinner service without getting injured. You haven’t fully engaged Team Hughes, so there’s still not enough hype for the locals to care. Gonna throw Jake Allen between the pipes as a starter again this season? Yeah, don’t plan the parade.

9.New York Islanders

The Islanders have some of the most loyal and die-hard fans in the league. Too bad their team hasn’t rewarded them. Nothing gets the people going like first-round exits. Remember what I said about Canadiens fans and Lane Hutson? I repeat my sentiments regarding Matthew Schaefer and the Islanders who won’t win a cup because they have no business doing so.

10. New York Rangers

The New York Rangers = The New York Jets.

11. Ottawa Senators

Well, Senators fans got their wish: Brady Tkachuk left town, and now it’s about to go down. Well, not really, because despite what Sens fans said about Brady, he was among their more talented and capable forwards. Now you have a top-line vacuum stronger than a top-dollar Dyson. Not to mention the PK unit in Ottawa couldn’t stop Sweden’s U20 team.

12. Philadelphia Flyers

The Flyers won’t win the Cup because Daniel Briere accelerated the inflation of the NHL salary cap by offer-sheeting Leo Carlsson. Now he makes $18M AAV to play for the Ducks, and the Flyers still lack any semblance of real talent. Jett Lunchenko may turn out to be what the Flyers hope he’ll be, but it won’t be enough to overcome the lack of center depth. No Lord Stanley in The City of Brotherly Love.

13. Pittsburgh Penguins

This is finally the year that Sidney Crosby does it. Finally, the year he gets back to the playoffs and wins a round or two. The only thing is, it will be with a team not named the Pittsburgh Penguins. Say hi to Sammy G for us, though!

14. Tampa Bay Lightning

Kucherov is still humming along, and Jon Cooper is regarded as the best coach in the business after having one of his least impressive campaigns. It’s actually comical that the Lightning last season is the group that finally earned Cooper the Jack Adams. Tampa won’t hoist because Vassy isn’t the same, and neither are the Lightning.

15. Toronto Maple Leafs

Leafs fans chased Mitch Marner out of town and immediately turned their attention to Auston Matthews as their next target. There’s the group-chat side of the American players leaving Canadian franchises. Still, there’s also the toxic-fandom side that won’t sleep until talented players veto the hockey capital of the world altogether. The Maple Leafs won’t win a cup because why would they?

16. Washington Capitals

The Alex Ovechkin victory lap seems like it won’t ever end, and although the greatest goal scorer in the world still has that wicked one-timer from the dot, his team is a flash in the pan after a flash in the pan. The Capitals are a one-step-forward, two-steps-back sort of squad, so I guess maybe this will be a step forward, but I doubt it. Either way, I’m more confident in humans living on Mars one day than I am in the Capitals winning the Cup.

*Disclaimer – this article is satirical in nature.*