Parenting

Stop Waiting for Perfection Before You Praise Your Child

How to use praise to strengthen the behaviors you want to see more often.

Posted October 9, 2026

Some parents and even teachers today struggle with when and what to praise. They believe that children should do what they are told or asked to do simply because it is expected of them. Others are reluctant to praise behaviors that fall short of the end behavior they expect. Many parents think of praise as something that comes after an achievement. They worry that praise of this sort will create dependence, reduce motivation, or make their child expect recognition for every task they engage in, much less accomplish. Some parents wonder, as their child ages, whether they will aspire to anything that is remotely effortful.

But praise can serve another, more important purpose. Rather than simply recognizing a behavior after it has been mastered, praise can help increase the behaviors that eventually lead to the desired end goal. This is why waiting until your child fully meets an expectation before offering praise can be a mistake, or at least slow progress toward the intended goal. A child may need praise most while they are still learning and trying to master a new skill.

During this process of acquiring a new skill, you may be withholding praise or approval or offering corrective feedback, hoping to encourage your child to work harder or help them improve. But if your child is already receiving a great deal of corrective feedback, withholding encouragement may simply leave them hearing much more about what they are doing wrong than what they are doing right. What you intend as motivating feedback is often instead experienced by your child as criticism. Over time, they may become increasingly resistant to the very feedback intended to help them.

Interestingly, researchers who have studied happy and stable adult relationships have found that positive interactions substantially outweigh negative ones. John Gottman’s research found a ratio of about five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. It is probably not surprising that many who work with children, who may be more sensitive to corrective feedback than adults, suggest aiming for an even stronger ratio of positives to negatives. Peg Dawson, a psychologist whose work has focused on children with ADHD and, more specifically, executive function challenges, has recommended about 10 instances of praise for every one correction.

Don’t Wait for the Perfect Outcome

Behavior does not need to be perfect to warrant recognition. If you don’t yet see the end-goal behavior, praise the behaviors that would naturally come before it. I often ask teachers to think about where they would place a child in terms of the behaviors they are seeing. If it seems that they are behaving like a child two years younger, then what would they expect of that child? A more scaffolded approach adjusts your expectations to the developmental level at which your child is functioning.

Give the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is rare that a child is deliberately antagonizing you as a parent; most children are not setting out to disappoint, frustrate, or annoy you. Rather than assume or be disappointed in what your child should already be doing, ask yourself, “What is reasonable given where my child currently is?” The question then becomes, “What can I notice and reinforce that will help them move closer to the behavior I want to see?”

For a child, parental praise is one of the strongest rewards. Praise is also a form of positive attention, and most children will do a lot for attention. Although positive attention may be more desirable than negative attention, children may engage in behaviors that result in either. Oftentimes, adults inadvertently give more attention, through criticism or correction, to a child’s falling short of the goal than to praising an approximation of the goal.

Because attention can be especially reinforcing for children, even when it is negative or corrective, the corrective attention you give your child with the goal of decreasing or stopping a particular behavior may actually increase it. We may also expect that, with minimal practice and no steps in between, a child will engage in the end goal behavior. But that expectation is probably unreasonable. Instead, a baby step in the desired direction can be praised and then followed with a slight increase in what the child needs to do in order to learn the reward or praise.

Whenever giving praise, it should be intentional and specific, letting the child know exactly what they did that you liked and reinforcing the behaviors that are moving your child toward the goal, even when they are not there yet. The praise should help the child understand what behavior you want to see more often.

Think about a behavior you would like your child to develop. Perhaps you want your six-year-old to stop interrupting conversations, clean up independently, get dressed without repeated reminders, or handle disappointment without becoming upset. The end goal may seem very far from what your child is doing today. Rather than waiting until your child can demonstrate the finished behavior, identify the smaller steps that would naturally come before it. One way to do this is to think about the behavior you hope to see six months or a year from now. Then work backward. What smaller steps would move your child in that direction?

Praise those efforts, and then coach your child privately toward the next step. If you need to offer guidance in public, do so in a manner that does not call attention to their deficit relative to expectations or peers. One of the worst experiences is to be shamed, and being shamed publicly is worse still.

Praise the Steps That Lead to the Goal

Imagine a six-year-old who frequently interrupts conversations. The end goal might be waiting patiently until others are finished speaking. Rather than waiting to praise only perfect self-control, you might say, “I noticed you waited for me to say a few sentences before telling me what you wanted to say. That was helpful.” Later, you might privately encourage them to try waiting even longer next time. As your child becomes more successful, you can gradually raise your expectations.

Be Intentional About What You Notice

For children who struggle with behavior, it can be helpful to have a plan. Rather than trying to notice everything, identify one or two specific behaviors you would like to increase. Then look for opportunities to acknowledge those behaviors when they occur.

At the same time, we don’t want to inadvertently reinforce behavior we don’t want to see. When possible, irrelevant behavior can be ignored, and attention can be focused on the behaviors we want to encourage.

Praise Along the Way, Not Just When They Get There

Nobody waits until a kicker can make a 50-yard field goal before acknowledging progress. You start closer, reinforce success, and gradually increase the distance. The same principle applies when you are trying to shape a child’s behavior. Praise the approximation of the end goal, then gradually increase what you expect before the praise or reward is given.

Don’t think of praise as a reward for perfection, but as a shaping tool that can help move your child closer and closer to the desired end-goal behavior. Don’t wait until your child has reached the goal to acknowledge their progress. Praise along the way can help them get there.

Read the original article on Psychology Today →