Relationships

The Relationship Isn't Right for You, but Why Do You Stay?

Early family dynamics may shape what we accept as normal love.

Posted September 2, 2026

Ivan was in his second marriage, again with a woman who was unkind to him and who made him feel bad about himself. We had been exploring this in therapy, as he had expressed interest in wanting to end the relationship, but felt overcome with anxiety at the thought of being alone.

The relationships Ivan was exposed to in childhood taught him the template for the relationships he would come to expect in adulthood. He learned that relationships were abusive, that people would be manipulative and unkind, and that they were unreliable. He learned that people would be unkind.

Early family experiences may affect your expectations of adult relationships

Many of us who were taught in childhood that we were unlovable and difficult go on to expect these things in the relationships around us. We may develop an anxious attachment where we cling to any semblance of connection or love, anything that will tell our inner child and self-blaming brain that we are worthy of love. Others may push away from relationships altogether, scared of repeating the same patterns that left them feeling alone and shamed.

I can relate to this. Throughout my adult life, I have explored, with therapy and self-reflection, how the relationships I was exposed to in childhood taught me the template for the relationships I would come to expect in adulthood. I learned that relationships were abusive, that people would be manipulative and unkind, and that they were unreliable. I learned that people would be unkind. I expected this because it was what I knew. Now I help clients like Ivan understand these same patterns and work to unlearn them.

This is an important part of understanding why we sometimes stay in relationships that, from the outside, seem so obviously wrong for us. We aren't always choosing what is healthy. Sometimes, we are choosing what is familiar. And when what is familiar is dysfunction, or someone who makes us feel bad about ourselves, it can take work to recognize that something being familiar doesn't mean it is what we deserve.

Maybe we developed an anxious attachment where we cling to any small sign of connection or love, anything that will tell our inner child and self-blaming brain that we are worthy of love. Others may push away from relationships altogether, scared to repeat the same patterns that left them feeling alone and shamed.

Developing self-awareness and self-compassion can help reverse these patterns

Know that things can change. It takes time, self-reflection, and a journey of going inward. For Ivan, and others like him, it meant looking honestly at the relationships he had chosen, the things he had tolerated, and the reasons he had been so desperate to feel loved and wanted. It meant understanding why he had stayed, and that understanding his reasons does not mean he had to repeat the pattern.

You can learn that you are worthy of love and deserve to be treated with respect and validation. You can learn to recognize the difference between someone liking you and someone being a good, healthy fit for you.

And you don't have to settle.

Read the original article on Psychology Today →