This Or That?: Couples Edition

In modern relationships, we are routinely exposed to “this or that” messaging about what we should do in relationships and what they should look like. As a couples therapist, I often see how these assumptions influence the way partners interpret each other's actions, approach conflict, and define relationship success. Here are several common relationship “this or that" dilemmas for you to test your assumptions alongside what my years of clinical practice and research suggest.

Resolve the Issue now or Take Space

While you might feel pressure to resolve conflict immediately, continuing a conversation when emotions are high can just make things worse. If you take intentional space from an issue when emotions are escalating, this is not the same as avoidance or the silent treatment if the request is communicated clearly and paired with a plan to reconnect. Healthy conflict resolution demonstrates balancing the need for connection with the need for emotional regulation. The goal isn’t to end conflict as quickly as possible. Instead, the goal is to resolve it productively.

Fix It or Feel Heard

During most conflicts, feeling understood actually matters more than finding an immediate solution. Nearly 69 percent of relationship conflict stems from perpetual issues, like the fundamental differences in personality, needs, or values that may never fully “resolve.” In these moments, partners often get stuck trying to fix the issue rather than focusing on reflection, validation, and connection. While problem-solving has its place, most difficult conversations improve when couples prioritize listening to hear and understand rather than listening to react and solve.

Accept Your Partner or Push for Change

Pressuring your partner to change can actually keep your relationship stuck. Research suggests that when partners feel pressured to change, they are more likely to dig in their heels and become defensive, resistant, and emotionally disconnected. Paradoxically, in contrast, acceptance is often what makes meaningful change possible. Importantly, relational acceptance does not condone harmful behavior or promote giving up on growth. Rather, it recognizes that every relationship contains unsolvable, perpetual problems and that when people feel accepted for who they are, they are often more open to working with their partner towards collaborative growth. When couples practice acceptance, empathy, and understanding around these inherent differences, they create greater emotional safety and openness to change.

Relationships Should Be Easy or Relationships Require Work

Research supports the idea that healthy relationships require intentional effort. Couples who believe relationships grow and are maintained through work and effort experience greater long-term satisfaction and resilience than those who believe successful relationships are either meant-to-be or not with little effort. While compatibility and connection matter, lasting intimacy is not something couples simply find. In many ways, expecting relationships to always feel easy can leave couples with unrealistic expectations and unprepared for the normal and inevitable stress, conflict, and change of long-term adult relationships.

Conflict or Calm

As a couple’s therapist, I’m less concerned with the couples who come in wanting to work on improving conflict resolution and am more concerned when couples come in telling me they never fight. Here's why.

Research suggests that the absence of conflict does not define healthy relationships; instead, it is defined by the ability to engage in constructive conflict. Conflict avoidance can be more harmful than conflict itself because the avoidance often leads to emotional disengagement, “stonewalling”, or mutual withdrawal. Mutual withholding and avoidance are interaction patterns that create psychological distance within the relationship. The avoidance of difficult dialogue prevents the airing of thoughts and feelings of relationship problems and, consequently, impedes movement toward resolution. These patterns can ultimately lead to one or both partners checking out or feeling resentment. The healthiest relationships are not the quietest ones. They are the ones where partners feel safe enough to address problems directly, respectfully, and collaboratively. Well-handled conflict is often a sign of emotional investment, not relationship failure.

Therapy Early or Therapy Later

Research strongly supports seeking therapy early. Rather than being a last resort, couples therapy can be used early on in relationships to expose underlying vulnerabilities and highlight relational strengths, before stressors present themselves and expose these issues naturally. In this way, couples can build the tools they need to manage what's ahead.

While older statistics often claimed couples wait six years before getting help when it's “too late," newer research shows couples generally initiate therapy within about two years of the onset of problems, and approximately 70-80% of couples report improvements at termination as compared to couples who don’t attend treatment. An example of early intervention is premarital therapy. This type of early relationship intervention is associated with lower divorce rates, lower relationship conflict, and higher relationship quality.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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