Divorce Abroad With Us Investment Assets

Location: Alabama, United States

(but currently living in the Netherlands)

My question is regarding what resources are available to determine fair division of assets, both in the US and the Netherlands.

I am F(29) American divorcing in the Netherlands with a 5 yo child. My soon-to-be ex (M32, also American) and I are separating amicably (we married as rigidly fundamentalist christians and have both left the church and become far freer in the span of our marriage, it is more out of a recognition that we don't truly fit together than any animosity).

We have been married for 7.5 years, got married in Alabama, and moved to NL 4 weeks after becoming legally married (2 weeks after our wedding). We moved here for my partner's job/PhD. We never owned property or lived in the US while married (just visited family briefly), and have never stayed in the US for longer than 9 weeks in a row (which only happened once--we got covid while visiting family and had to extend our 6-week visit by 3 weeks). I am from Alabama, he's from Florida, and currently our legal address in the US is in Florida.

We purchased a home in the Netherlands together and plan to sell it and move to Rotterdam so that we live closer to his job (currently a 1.5-2 hour commute) so that we can parent our daughter equally.

In the US, we have a joint investment account (Joint WROS) with about 200k USD and a Roth IRA with 13k. The joint WROS is "his" and the Roth IRA is "mine" but both are joint accounts (the investment account is Fidelity, Roth is Edward Jones), our daughter is the beneficiary on both accounts. The money in the Fidelity account originated from gifts my husband's parents gave him and settlements from two court cases: my husband was injured as a 4-year-old and his father had a traumatic brain injury when he was 12. "My" money came from a trust from my grandmother which she set up before her death, was about 8k USD when I was 18 and has been in the Edward Jones account (untouched and simply managed by a financial advisor except when I bought a plane ticket for my mother-in-law to come visit us, originally I took the money out with the intention for my mother to come visit after I gave birth, but my mom would not come... She was caring for my grandmother at the time and is also fearful of flying).

In the 7 years of our marriage, my husband has worked and completed his PhD. I have been the primary caregiver/default parent of our child, have worked mostly minimum-wage jobs, built a sole proprietorship as a birth and postpartum doula, and had two severe depressive episodes (shortly after we moved and then a postpartum depression). I also suffer from migraines. We have lost 5 family members and I've had 2 miscarriages. Needless to say, we have supported each other through some of the more challenging and painful moments life brings.

Last year, I suffered a "light" concussion. The recovery was slow because I had not organized my business in such a way that I could take long-term sick leave (and honestly was still in the building phase--first three years of my business I did everything by bike while living in a village. Finally, when I had a car and could take a reasonable client load, I had the concussion...), so I hardly rested and continued working until it became apparent that I could not continue pushing myself (severe overuse-injuries in my hands and arms). I stopped my business, rested, took a job delivering mail by bike to build back my endurance and give space for reflection. I think this period is what brought the clarity that led to the end of our marriage.

Anyway, this is a long post already, but the point is that now I am in the position of looking for a regular job with a sustainable income for the first time in my life. I have only ever had minimum-wage jobs (or a little more) and my business was just profitable for the first time in the final year I ran it. My soon-to-be ex has an excellent job which he loves and has a good salary. I desperately want to study again (it was always the idea that once my partner finished his PhD it would be "my turn" to study), but first I have to get some stability and make a secure home for my daughter.

My soon-to-be ex thinks that all the money in the Fidelity account is his and should remain so (even though it's a joint WROS account with my name on it since we got married). He thinks it would be greedy and inappropriate of me to claim anything else. While I don't want a cent of his money, I do want our daughter to have two stable, loving homes to move between once our divorce is finalized. If I am living in a rental with a starting salary (I am not sure if this is even possible), I will be in a vulnerable position (I think) for quite a few years.

I think with the sale of our house here in the Netherlands, some of the money in the investment account in the US, and borrowing money from family, I would be able to buy a tiny apartment in Rotterdam-area so that we live close to one another and close enough to my ex's work that he can be an equal parents. But if all the fidelity money goes to my ex, I will be in the position of searching for a rental while not even having a permanent contract. I even do not have permanent residency right now (he does, and I am dependent on his visa). Our life is here, my life is here: our daughter was born here, our friends are here, and I have invested years into learning the language, navigating a new culture, and promoting his educational attainment and professional achievement.

I don't want to be unfair or take anything away from him. I want him to flourish, to have a wonderful life. I love him, he's a great dad and I'm so glad our daughter exists, I just don't want to be his wife or life partner.

How would I find out if I have any right to any of the money in the US? What is fair? What is legal? What is just? And how can I navigate this in a way that keeps it amicable? We don't want to burn each other's lives down. Any advice or resources is welcome. Thank you in advance!!