How Can I Separate From My Addict Husband And Keep His Child That We Got From Cps?

Location: New Jersey This is going to be long, sorry in advance.

I've been married for 20 years. I have 2 older (adult and teen) bio-kids and an elementary aged step-child. My husband has struggled with addiction for most of the marriage. He tends to binge, so there would be periods of peace, periods of hell, and separations. During 1 separation in 2017, he briefly stayed with a woman who was not (at that time) an addict, but was a manipulative psycho who admittedly tried to baby trap him. He paid support, but never met the child.

In 2018, shortly after the child was born, my husband went on another binge and I had enough. I filed for a restraining order. That pushed him to voluntarily go to rehab and get sober for (what I thought was) good.

In 2022, CPS (DCP&P in my area) showed up at my door with a 4 year old child we had never met. The situation she was removed from was horrendous. Her mother had developed a severe drug issue and was using with a male relative who was living in the home. The department suspected some sexual abuse and the child later confirmed their suspicions. The mother fought CPS (instead of cooperating with safety requirements), mainly in attempt to keep the man in her home. When the court failed to give her what she wanted, she quit communicating with them at all. She did have visitation for a few months after the removal, but after some inappropriate and scary incidents, and the refusals to cooperate, it was switched to "supervised" and the mother lost interest.

Despite her outright defiance and written threats to leave the state, the courts let the mother retain partial legal custody - but they removed all physical custody outside of an hour a week with CPS supervision. I have always felt that final court order left us in a bad spot. We wanted to petition the courts to add me as a legal guardian - in case my husband was incapacitated or died unexpectedly - but the department was eager to end their involvement and we couldn't afford the representation to have it done on our own. When county prosecutors started asking questions about the sexual abuse, the mother moved across the country as promised - with the male relative - and rarely contacts us.

The child is very happy in our home. She loves her friends and school. She is very involved in community groups. She has some behavioral issues that we are working through in therapy, but she is improving. Beyond that, she is extremely bonded to me. She immediately insisted on calling me Mom, despite being discouraged. Even when speaking to her bio-mom, she'll refer to me as "my mom." She is terrified of in-person contact with her bio-mom and, in the rare instance that she does show up, refuses to leave our direct line of sight.

Unfortunately, my husband has started to have slip-ups every few months over the past 3 years. They have all been short-lived and resolved without any major upheaval, but I can't handle the lies and instability anymore. I feel like I'm trapped because I can't reach out for help without running the risk that DCP&P will get involved and remove the child. Or even worse, she will be given to her mother, who insists that her child neglect record only exists in NJ. The mother may actually be sober (I have no idea), but she still lives with and stands behind the man who abused the child, claiming lack of prosecution as "proof" that the abuse never happened.

Is there any way I can separate from my husband and keep his child? He would never try to "take her," but he also won't leave willingly. He will just insist that he's not high (when he obviously is), then cry, beg, apologize, and make the same fake promises when he inevitably runs out of whatever he's using. By summer, life will get stressful and the whole thing will repeat. It's a cycle I've lived through too many times to count. I love him, but mentally, I can't take it anymore. I feel trapped, hopeless, and on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

But I also can't take the thought of the child being torn away from her family again. It would destroy her. There are no relatives on the side of either bio-parent who would be able or willing to step in or assist. Everyone she knows and trust are my people. I have no legal ties to her outside of my marriage, but at this point, she IS my child. I am not willing to abandon her - even to protect my own mental health - but my thoughts get darker each time this happens. I'm afraid that this stress will physically overwhelm me if it goes on much longer.

Do I have any options?