Mom Won’t Let Me Get Dad Treated Now He’s Dying

Location: Illinois

My elderly mother was caring for my Alzheimer’s patient father alone for years, even when she moved to my sister house (30 min away from me) even though my sister and her husband could have been much more hands on. I would come visit and do what I could to help, but I could only visit them maybe once or twice a week at best for a few hours.

At some point during this, my mom was fighting every doctor to try to get him on hospice so that she could get some more assistance with his care. No doctor thought he qualified until he had a really bad UTI that landed him in the hospital and he exhibited close enough signs to qualify him. He was on hospice about 6 months then my sister gave birth, and my dad moved in with me so my boyfriend and I could take care of him since my mom was no longer able to keep up with his maintenance and help with the baby. He does not require a lot of care as long as you do some preventative measures like making sure his catheter is flowing and feeding him. While with us, we did just that and when it seemed like he was getting a UTI from his neobladder, we would also give him the prescribed antibiotics and he was well enough to travel (though it was a production to get him somewhere). He was happy and doing well and then hospice discharged him since he no longer met the requirements. This caused a huge fight in the family. Eerily, the day he was discharged was the day he started having seizures, hallucinations, and syncope. He had coffee ground emesis once we got to the ER and they said he had sepsis and gave him antibiotics and fluids then he stabilized. They admitted him and my bf and I wanted to continue treatment but my mom and sister forced us into comfort care instead. I had my dad back for a couple days but now I’m just watching him deteriorate slowly and painfully when they could’ve treated him and he would be better. They keep saying he’s suffering but the only reason he’s suffering is because they won’t treat his infections. They give him pain meds but only when I ask and he’s hurting really bad now. He said he doesn’t want to die but my mom won’t change her mind.

Please, help.