Should I Seek Full Custody Of My Son?

Location: California (Orange County) I’ll try to be as brief as possible…in the last few years of my marriage, my now ex husband proved himself (to me) to be an unreliable person. After my son was born, my ex suddenly didn’t know how to complete basic tasks - he went from having no issues changing diapers to putting them on so loose there would always be leaks/blowouts…and from helping with chores and getting himself off to work to needing me to “remind” him to do everything and expected me to get him up for work on time (usually at 3 or 4 am). He’d take his time coming home from work, then would fall asleep within 30-60 minutes of getting home….always while spending time with our son. I have many more examples. Another thing I had an issue with was his devotion his family. He always put his parents/siblings/nieces/nephews above me and our son. In particular one of his older brothers who has 5 kids of his own….and a drug problem…and my ex has always been more concerned with their needs being met over our son’s. There’s more issues than that, but hopefully you get the idea. I hesitated going through with the divorce because I was scared of my son being exposed to various dangers if I couldn’t be with him 24/7, but ultimately, I didn’t want my son seeing his parents’ relationship as an example of what love should be. Although my ex was the first to say he wanted a divorce, I was the one who filed first. Initially, I wanted full custody with my ex getting supervised visits, but my divorce attorney advised me that I didn’t have proof enough to show my son would be in danger with his father. I had to compromise, and we came to the agreement that I have primary custody, and my ex gets our son on his days off, with 1 overnight per week. My son was 3 when my ex and I separated, and he is 9 now. When my son was 5, my ex started dating his now wife, who I’ll call Melissa. My ex told me he was seeing someone and that he wanted me to meet her before he introduced her to our son, and I was told she wanted to meet me as well. I still haven’t met her (more on that later). Melissa has a son, who I’ll call Johnny. Johnny is 5 years older than my son. After one of their early meetings, my son came home with a massive bruise on his lower back. My son told me Johnny had pushed him too hard on the swings and that it was an accident. At the time, my son didn’t seem upset, but I did take a picture of the bruise and I became more vigilant after that. A few months later, my son came home from his dad’s and had a meltdown at bedtime. He was terrified of the lights being off and scared to fall asleep. Between cries, my son told me that Johnny had tried making my son “play a game” with him, and my son didn’t want to. Specific details were difficult to get out of an upset 5 year old, so I don’t have much more to go on than that, unfortunately. My son’s reaction was so extreme and out of the ordinary though. I’ve never seen him so scared before or since. My son did indicate that his dad was not present when this incident with Johnny happened, and I did bring it up with my ex…I requested he be better at supervising the kids. He admitted (via text) to stepping away for “a few minutes”, but brushed off my concerns and said I was overreacting. After that incident, my son spent a year not wanting to spend the night at his dad’s….and we didn’t force him. At the time, my ex lived a few minutes away, so he’d bring my son home for bedtime, then pick him up again in the morning. During that year, I tried everything I could to try to figure out why my son didn’t feel safe (his words) sleeping at his dad’s. I even tried having my son see a therapist, but that didn’t get us any answers either. When my son was about 7, he suddenly burst into tears as we were talking. He started apologizing and told me how he just couldn’t keep a secret from me anymore. He said “Dad told me not to tell you or you’d kill him!”. What happened was that Johnny (at this time, 12), took my son to his bedroom (the boys were alone). Johnny’s room was apparently filled/decorated with horror movie memorabilia….Chucky, Ghostface, Pennywise, etc. This was my son’s first real introduction to horror movies because he was only 7, and I keep that stuff away from him, but Johnny, knowing my son was scared, decided to leave my son alone in his room and closed the door. This terrified my son and he ran screaming out of the room and was so upset. His dad had to take him home shortly after, where my ex made my son decide if his relationship with Melissa should continue. All of this, including an admission that my ex encouraged my son to lie to me, was confirmed via text messages with my ex. Every attempt I have made to address my concerns were met with aggression - being told I’m overreacting and horrible and that it was none of my business. In September 2024, my ex decided to move in with Melissa, Johnny, and Melissa’s friend. Once they were settled, I made an attempt to reach out to Melissa and introduce myself to her, as she would now be taking a bigger role in my son’s life. My intent was only to be able to be at least cordial with each other, for my son’s sake. I was treated like a crazy ex and told she doesn’t want to meet “the ex”. A few days after Christmas last year, my son told me that Johnny was gifted a BB gun for Christmas. He then told me that Johnny pointed the BB gun in my son’s face and pulled the trigger. Thankfully it wasn’t loaded, but my son was close enough to feel a puff of air. According to my son, Johnny then said “Wait till I get ammo”. When I brought it up with my ex and said it was unacceptable, the only response I could get was him telling me he would “handle it”. Then, in about March of this year, my son told me that for a few weeks, Johnny had been choking him. My son was playing video games (Switch) and was not interacting with Johnny when Johnny attacked him….threw him on the couch and put his hands around my son’s throat. Thankfully not hard enough to leave marks, but enough to scare him. Again, I brought it up to my ex and was again shut out. More than that, my ex claimed the boys were “playing” and my son was an “equal participant…..and this is while he also admitted that he wasn’t present when the incidents occurred. At this, I pressed charges. In the months since, my ex has gotten more hostile towards me and my son keeps telling me his dad and Johnny tell him he has to “toughen up” and make him feel bad for things he fears. I have many more examples of times my ex has either given up his time with our son, backed out of commitments, requested a reduction of his time with our son, etc. and have it all the text messages to prove it. I am inclined to believe my son’s accounts of everything as he regularly proves himself to be very honest and truthful with me, whereas my ex has repeatedly told me that he lies to me because he doesn’t want to “deal with my reactions”. I’ve been considering revisiting our custody arrangements in court, but I don’t know if I am overreacting to things (due to my own family’s history of abuse) or if a judge would take me seriously. At the very least I’d want to limit contact with Johnny for my son’s safety. I can’t afford an attorney, so any advice or recommendations are greatly appreciated.