Overcome Obstacles To Discipling Relationships

A few years into our marriage, my husband and I realized we needed help. We were young in our faith and hungry to grow, but we were unsure how to move forward. So we prayed for mature Christians to guide us, and we asked several to disciple us.

One after another, we were turned down.

The responses ranged from “You’re both doing great—you have it all together” to “I simply don’t have time,” along with other polite but firm refusals. We knew we needed the life-on-life discipleship Jesus describes in the Great Commission (Matt. 28:19–20), yet no opportunities materialized in those early years.

That season reinforced our conviction that discipleship isn’t optional. But if it’s central to the Christian life, why is it so hard to find—and so difficult to offer? I’ve come to think of this dynamic as the discipleship gap. Most Christians know discipleship matters, but we hide from the very community we need.

Where We Get Confused

The discipleship gap can result from misunderstanding what discipleship is. The word “disciple” means “learner.” In Matthew 4:19–20, Jesus’s invitation to the first disciples isn’t a spiritual performance review or a six-week self-improvement program. His invitation: “Follow me.”

If discipleship is central to the Christian life, why is it so hard to find—and so difficult to offer?

Today, we often confuse biblical discipleship with secular paradigms. We treat it as mentoring, expecting targeted advice for a specific life goal; as coaching, empowering people to pursue self-determined dreams rather than conforming to Christ; or as therapy, seeking help processing our problems and overcoming our mental and emotional struggles. While discipleship can involve advice and support, at its core, it’s about following others as they follow Christ so we’re all growing more like him.

That means discipleship is also not meant to be cloning. As a new believer, I connected with a godly woman whose marriage and walk with Christ I admired. Without realizing it, I tried to become a replica of her, believing her personality was the shortcut to my spiritual goals. It took months to realize my focus was misdirected. I’d been captivated by her traits rather than by how Christ had shaped her.

True discipleship isn’t about becoming a carbon copy of someone else (1 Cor. 12:4–6). It’s an intentional, transformative relationship that fosters spiritual growth because our ultimate calling is to be conformed to the image of God’s Son (Rom. 8:29).

Why We Hide

Whether we’re considering being discipled or discipling others, here are common reasons people avoid discipleship.

1. Fear of Being Exposed

Many of us are reluctant to open up about our struggles and sins. We fear that if people truly knew our weaknesses, they’d judge or reject us. So we keep our spiritual lives hidden and instead curate a polished image.

Yet consider the apostle James’s call: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (5:16). Discipleship requires the courage to let the illusion of perfection die so genuine grace can take root.

2. Fear of Being Inadequate

We might feel overwhelmed by the complexity and gravity of Scripture and intimidated by others who seem more knowledgeable. We worry about misinterpreting the Bible or revealing our ignorance.

While we’re right to want to handle Scripture carefully, 1 Corinthians 1:27 reminds us that God chooses the weak and foolish of the world to shame the strong. We don’t need theological training or a seminary degree to disciple others faithfully, because God equips believers as we sit under the preaching of his Word, learn in the life of the church, grow through private devotion, and humbly depend on him.

3. Illusion of Independence

Western culture prizes self-reliance, and this seeps into our theology. We prefer to navigate our spiritual lives privately, assuming our own insights are sufficient.

But Proverbs 11:14 warns, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” We were designed for interdependence within the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:21). We need one another to see our blind spots and to point us back to the cross.

4. Excuse of Busyness

Modern life is undeniably full. Committing to another relationship can feel like an added burden, especially when we picture discipleship as a formal, time-consuming program.

Paul urges us in Ephesians 5:15–16, “Look carefully then how you walk . . . making the best use of the time.” If we think we’re too busy for discipleship, we’d be wise to consider what is truly the best use of our time. Investing in mutual spiritual growth may take time on our calendars, but it’s an investment in the eternal.

5. Hurt from Past Experiences

Some of us carry hurt from past discipleship relationships or from Christians who wounded us. This can lead to deep distrust and a reluctance to try again.

Yet 1 Peter 4:8 reminds us, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Over time, healthy discipleship can help heal past hurts, foster forgiveness, and display the restorative power of Christ-centered community.

What We Can Do

Discipleship grows out of a life-on-life connection that extends beyond scheduled meetings into everyday moments, creating natural opportunities to model faith and apply biblical truth in real time.

It might look like the following:

• A seasoned professional meeting with a young professional to discuss navigating workplace dilemmas from a Christian worldview
• A mother coming alongside a younger mom to support her in raising children in line with biblical values
• A married couple inviting newlyweds over for dinner to talk honestly about the joys and trials of marriage
• Two friends reading a devotional or a book of the Bible together

Discipleship can happen over a meal, on a walk, or as you serve together at church. And it doesn’t have to be a lifelong commitment—start for a semester or a season, then reevaluate.

If you’re struggling to find someone to disciple you, I understand the ache of that wait. Being turned down can feel discouraging when you’re hungry to grow and unsure where to turn. But don’t let the absence of someone pouring into you keep you from pouring into someone else.

Don’t let the absence of someone pouring into you keep you from pouring into someone else.

Keep asking. Keep praying for mature Christians to walk with you. And as you wait, consider whom God may be inviting you to encourage, invite in, or walk alongside. God grows us through those ahead of us, but he also grows us as we invest in those beside us or a few steps behind us.

As we make room for this vital part of life in Christ, God uses both our need and our willingness to reflect his heart to a world that desperately needs him.